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%CARE CONCERN RULES LOVE 781129
Sometimes it seems to people that the only way to
express concern for another person is to enforce rules to
assure proper, safe, wise, loving behavior. If
enforcement of rules is the only familiar way of
expressing concern, of caring, then to fail to enforce
rules is a sign of not caring, of having no concern for
the welfare of the other person. Discussions of the
futility of the rules will not get to the heart of the
problem if rule enforcement is the only known way of
caring, being expressive of concerns, of loving. It may
seem better to express concern in a futile way than not to
show concerns, not to care. What is needed is a
demonstration by a role model of alternative ways of
expressing concern, of caring for the other person. Only
when alternatives to alternatives to futile rules are
familiar is it easy to give up enforcement of rules as the
way of caring for someone whom we love.
In the absence of role models who love in non-
legalistic ways to people who care may fall into the trap
of loving in legalistic ways, of showing care and concern
through the enforcement of legalistic rules designed to
assure safe, wise, proper, prudent, good, etc. behavior.
People tend to use the best way of coping with which they
are familiar. If they are not familiar with a
satisfactory way of expressing care and concern they will
use the best among the unsatisfactory ways of coping with
which they are familiar. Abstract knowledge of a way of
coping is not enough. Familiarity is essential.
Familiarity comes only from living with the way of coping
as demonstrated by role models who are respected and
affirmed within the subculture upon which one depends for
affective nourishment. One can not feel familiar,
comfortable, at home with a way of coping which is
represented only by verbal statements.
Care and concern may be expressed through: service,
listening, dialogue, affection, giving, accepting,
sexuality, affirmations, releasing, letting go,
responsiveness, etc. Punishments, threats,
excommunication, shunning, ridicule, restraining,
confining, imprisonment, etc. are perverse ways of
showing concern---used by people who are not familiar with
genuine love.
(c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in
www.essayz.com Search for Integrity and Honesty
(On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)
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