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%EXPRESSING APPRECIATION 780706
The expression of appreciation is the affirmation of
a kind of dependency. A person whose ideal it is to be
perfectly independent thus finds it hard to express
appreciation---and perhaps finds it hard to be
appreciative. To be appreciative is to affirm a need for
community, friendship, affection, support, affirmation,
etc.
Injunctions to express appreciation---will not empower
the thoroughly independent person to express appreciation.
A mandate to fulfill the responsibility to be appreciative
will not occasion the feeling of appreciation---even if
the mandate is internalized on the part of a thoroughly
independent person. Such an internalization will merely
internalize the conflict between the logic of the mandate,
and the logic of thoroughgoing personal independence. Only
as the essence of the conflict is recognized and dealt
with---can it be resolved.
It is not enough to be appreciative in secret.
Appreciation is not fully realized unless it is shared.
Such sharing involves vulnerability, and is unlikely on
the part of emotionally insecure people who seek security
through techniques for achieving invulnerability. Such
people may seek techniques for conforming to mandates of
etiquette, but they are unlikely to be successful in
acting in a way that convinces sensitive healthy people of
their appreciation. They may be unappreciative while
trying to conform to social requirements of appreciative
behavior. Such a manipulative effort lacks integrity, and
will not stand the tests of time. In the end it will
prove to be counter-productive.
Expressions of appreciation which are guided by
formulas are not likely to be authentic---and so lack the
integrity which is typical of whole people. For this
reason technocrats who are guided by routines---will find
it all but impossible to effectively use routines to
meaningfully guide expressions of appreciation according
to some systematic program. No legalistic requirement
that a person successfully conform to a pattern of
expressing appreciation---will help occasion authentic
expressions of appreciation. Love may elicit, where law
cannot succeed.
(c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in
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(On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)
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