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%INTIMACY OF THREE 770706
Most societies discourage intimacies of three. Only
intimacies of two are regarded as proper. Usually
intimacies of three are not only considered improper; they
are considered impossible. Very rarely is an unbiased
experimental effort made to discover the possibilities of
intimacies of three. Even where participants are
genuinely free of contrary overt social pressure, there is
usually fear of possible social disapproval---or of
disapproval by conscience, introjected social judgment.
In the rare cases where there is no fear, the participants
may exclude various possibilities from consideration,
because of an introjected social view that the
possibilities are impossible; and so no effort is made to
seek to fulfill those possibilities.
It is unlikely that three people will become intimate
with each other equally in parallel. It is more likely
that an intimacy of two will develop first, followed by
the development of intimacy between one of the two and a
third person. In such a situation the participants are
usually regarded as individuals in competition, rather
than as a union of two opening itself by the inclusion of
a third. If either union in called into question, there
may develop a competition between the two intimacies of
two which involve one participant in common. For
whichever union is in question, the common person's
tolerance is likely to generate indifference; this
occasions infidelity in the sense of failing to continue
to deepen the questioned union. If neither union is
called into question, there may develop three intimacies
of two, corresponding to the three ways that the three
participants may be paired as one-plus-one. The whole may
be more than the some of the parts, especially if the
original intimacy of two is a union which opens fully to
the inclusions of the third participant. There is the
possibility that each participant may relate to the union
of the other two participants as a whole as an intimacy of
two---rather then to each of the others as an isolated
individual. Thus, there may be three intimacies of two-
united-plus-one, as well as three intimacies of one-plus-
one. The union of all these may be an intimacy of
three---with possibilities for mutual awareness and mutual
understanding which have rarely been explored, because
most intimate relationships are culturally required to be
exclusive.
(c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in
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(On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)
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