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 %DEVELOPMENT GROWTH INTIMATE CONTEXT RELATION SELF 950906

     As  intimate contexts and relationships grow,   there
are  many dilemmas  which pertain to  power  and  possible
abuses    of   power---due   to    dominant/disintegrative
paradigms, attitudes, assumptions, beliefs, ideas, ideals,
values, etc.

     What is appropriate,  helpful, integrative and loving
depends upon  the  objective and  reflexive  context,  the
situation, the history of a relationship.   People who are
oriented  in unbalanced ways towards either objectivity or
reflexivity are unlikely to recognize what is  appropriate
within their contexts---and so be unable to exercise  what
powers they have in wise and loving ways.  They are likely
to  be clumsy and bungle their opportunities to contribute
to  the growth of healthy relationships.   They are likely
to be awkward,  inept,  gauche,  heavy-handed,   maladroit
bumbling, unskillful.

     It is not appropriate for the most powerful person in
a   developing  intimate  relationship  to  dominate   the
development  of intimacy---for such dominance is bound  to
be  disintegrative  through  the  abuse  of  power.    The
dominant person  is bound to intimidate the less  powerful
person, making  the  less  powerful person vulnerable  and
taking advantage of vulnerability.   In such an unbalanced
context  neither  person  can  be  secure---because   both
persons  must be constantly on the defensive to deal  with
all the negative reactions which are bound to occur.   The
participants  are bound up in a love/hate relationship;  a
context  where they are cannot tell the difference between
hate  and  love---and so they do not openly  and  honestly
tell each other what their experiences are.

     It is not appropriate for the less powerful person in
a developing intimate relationship to always take the lead
in  the  development of intimacy---for such leadership  is
bound to be  disintegrative.  If  the less powerful person
always  takes the lead in  the  development  of  intimacy,
their  leadership  is  bound  to  be  dominated  by  their
perceptions of the desires of the  more powerful person---
in  the manner of a codependent supporter of an  addictive
lover.

     A developing intimate relationship cannot be  healthy
in  the long term  if on the average there is an imbalance
of power---due to the relative powers of the  participants
and due to  the  context  within  which their relationship
develops.

     A  developing intimate relationship cannot be healthy
in  the  long term if the participants are unbalanced   in
regards  to their ability to participate meaningfully  and
skillfully in objective and reflexive relationships.    If
they  specialize  in  one  kind  of  relationship,  to the
exclusion of other kinds of relationships, they are  bound
to be unable to deal wisely with the contexts within which
they find themselves.  When different contexts  are  dealt
with as if they were not different because the differences
are not  recognized,  named, described and talked about---
tragic mistakes are bound to be made, and the participants
will  be  victims  of  double binds  which they  will  not
recognize or know how to deal with.   They are bound to be
trapped in  patterns  of unresolved  conflicts and violent
expressions of their frustrating conflicts.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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