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 %CONGRUENT COMPLEMENT INTEGRATIVE IDEAL VALUE GOOD+930726
  %EVIL GROUND ACCEPT REJECT FAMILY FELLOW DIALOGUE+930726
 %SCIENCE OBJECTIVE REFLEXIVE ANALYSIS CONTROL EVIL 930726

     For  people  to  be able to  build  healthy  intimate
relationships   they   need   to  build   upon   congruent
integrative  ideals,   values,   interests,   assumptions,
beliefs, convictions and ultimate concerns.

     For  healthy  intimacy  to  grow   many  aspects   of
people's  being  and  living  must  be  complementary  and
congruent with each other's; yet not necessarily identical
or conformal to  each  other's  desires,   expectations or
demands.     People   cannot   build   healthy    intimate
relationships  without  sharing openly and  honestly  with
each other many aspects of their being and living.

     Open and honest sharing is undermined  by any factors
in   people's  lives  and  communities   which   occasion:
insecurity,   fear  of vulnerability,  need  for  secrecy,
motivations  to be deceptive or misleading  or  dishonest,
and fear of rejection or excommunication, etc.

     Too  often people think of good matches for  personal
intimacy  in  terms  of  criteria which  focus  upon  each
other's desires and  expectations as regards the  separate
"qualifications"    of  each  other  for   acceptance   or
rejection.     Too  rarely is the focus upon questions  of
congruence and complementarity for joint considerations of
the    possibilities   of   the    participants    working
cooperatively   in  building  a healthy relationship  upon
integrative  ideals,   values,   interests,   assumptions,
beliefs, convictions and ultimate concerns.

     Too  often  people  think in terms of  changing  each
other  as separated individuals through coercive measures;
and too rarely do people think in terms of making  changes
in  themselves  and  in how they approach  each  other  in
building  their relationship.   Conflicts cannot be  truly
resolved so long as the  focus  is  upon the attributes of
the individuals to  the  exclusion  of  a  focus  upon the
attributes   of   the  relationship   as   built   through
cooperation   based   upon a  foundation    of   congruent
integrative ideals,    values,   interests,   assumptions,
beliefs, convictions and ultimate concerns.

     The  above considerations are essentially  reflexive,
reflecting  back upon the participants in a  relationship.
It   is  not  possible  to  deal  wisely  with  the  above
considerations   within  the  framework  of  an  objective
paradigm  in  the manner  of scientists who  are  narrowly
preoccupied    with   detached   analysis,    measurement,
computations, manipulations, predictions, and control.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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