This is http://www.essayz.com/a9110052.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %VULNERABLE CRITICISM REJECT DEPEND SEPARATE ACCEPT 911005 If those who have been nearest and dearest to us, and upon whom we have been most dependent and before whom we have been most vulnerable have not demonstrated to us the possibility of charitable criticism; then we are likely to regard criticism as the prelude to rejection. We are likely to be unable to accept criticism because we are likely to regard criticism as a sign that others are unable to accept us, because we are vulnerable to criticism. If criticism is separated from affectional affirmations we are likely to learn to treat criticism as a sign of rejection and alienation; and so we are likely to be unable to accept constructive criticism in an integrative way. If other people have not demonstrated to us an ability to affectionately affirm us in association with constructive criticism of us; then we are likely to be unable to accept ourselves in association with constructive self criticism and self evaluation. If when other people have criticized us they have rejected us and been alienated from us; then when it comes our turn to engaged in self evaluation (self criticism) we are likely to do as those who have most influenced us have done---and reject ourselves and become alienated from our own selves in disintegrative ways. It is nearly impossible to accept and deal honestly with our own experiences, feelings, fears, hopes, aspirations, regrets, mistakes, failures, etc.---if we have not seen those nearest, dearest and most influential to us accept and deal honestly with our and their own experiences, feelings, fears, hopes, aspirations, regrets, mistakes, failures, etc. We learn to do what those nearest, dearest and most influential to us do---with some creative exceptions. Through exceptional creativity we need to develop new ways to relate to others and to our selves; ways which involve affectional affirmations in association with constructive criticism. This does not happen so long as we are the victims of double binds when inhibit affectional affirmations; for then there can be no association between constructive criticism and affectional affirmations. We need to transcend patterns of withholding affectional affirmations in anticipation of the achievement of some level of perfection as the proper ground for meriting affectional affirmations. If affectional affirmations are regarded as merited only upon the achievement of a specified level of perfection, then personal and communal disintegration is inevitably going to be the consequence of mutual/self alienation and estrangement. Open and honest dialogue, conversation and communication disintegrate in the absence of affectional affirmations; thus withholding affectional affirmation as a tool to motivate perfection is tragically counter- productive, the ideal and the means are ill-suited to each other and generate ill-ness, dis-ease, and loss of health through loss of integrity. We tend to treat ourselves as we have seen others treat each other and us; with self- rejection if they reject each other and us. To escape the tragic prison of rejection some of us must behave in creatively exceptional ways and work to offer affectional affirmations within the context of constructive criticism. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================