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   %AVOID DISHONEST EXCESSIVE PROMISES EXPECTATIONS 900730

     It   is   sometimes  not  easy to  avoid  making  (or
giving the impression of making) dishonest promises and/or
generating  unreasonable expectations.  Care needs  to  be
taken  to  avoid  involvement  in  promises  which  cannot
possibly be fulfilled.

     We must all live within our limitations.  It is often
difficult  to be honest about and deal honestly with  just
what  our  limitations are;  regardless of  our  level  of
limitations.

     Some  people  are more handicapped and  limited  than
other people; yet all people have the same number of hours
of  time to spend per day.  Some people have more days  of
life  to spend and/or more physical strength to devote  to
daily  activities.   Other  people have  greater  creative
imagination and abilities. Yet, no matter how great may be
a persons' gifts, there are limitations.

     The greater a person's resources, the greater is  the
temptation  to  become  involved  in  relationships  which
entail  excessive commitments and/or expectations.  Making
many promises and/or generating excessive expectations may
be a way of trying to earn respect and acceptance.  People
of  many  abilities who feel insecure  may  make  promises
and/or  generate  unreasonable expectations in efforts  to
endear  themselves to people whose acceptance and  respect
they  covet.   Over-commitments spell future  trouble  and
difficulty which will not generate endearment,  acceptance
or respect.

     There are overt and explicit promises and  contracts.
Addictive  people  and self effacing martyrs often  become
involved  in  excessive explicit promises  and  contracts.
They  are not being honest with themselves or with  others
about  their  limitations,   and  daily  they  repeat  old
mistakes  over and over because their dishonesty does  not
permit them to learn from old mistakes.

     There  are implicit promises and  expectations  which
are generated by indirect behavior which encourages others
to believe that certain additional behaviors will  follow.
Friendships  develop  and expectations of future  friendly
behaviors  evolve.  There are limits on how many  intimate
friendships a person can sustain.  A  person who is hungry
for  personal acceptance and affirmations may encourage an
excessive  number  of  other persons to  expect  time  and
attention  beyond  what is available;  and so  generate  a
trail  of  disappointment when the expectations cannot  be
fulfilled.

     There  are  games of mutual self deception  in  which
people  participate  in encouraging each other to  believe
that together they will be able to accomplish feats  which
are  beyond what their combined personal limitations  will
permit.  They may join together in promising themselves to
do  what  they together cannot do because of  their  human
limitations.   They may develop mutual expectations  which
are  unreasonable because of wishful thinking which is not
well  grounded  in  an honest  appraisal  of  their  human
limitations. Thus collusive games of mutual self deception
involve  unreasonable communal promises  and  expectations
which  are  not firmly grounded in an honest appraisal  of
communal limitations.

     To fulfill promises and expectations requires the use
of  limited  resources.  Resources may be limited  in  the
sense of being non-renewable on the human life-time scale,
or  they  may  be limited in the sense of  there  being  a
limited amount available per day per potential user; e.g.,
sunlight.   In any case there are limited resources  which
can be used to fulfill promises and expectations. Failures
to  be honest about resource limitations can  lead  people
into  making  excessive  promises and/or  encouraging  the
development of excessive expectations.

     To avoid personal and communal disintegration we need
to  be  honest  with ourselves and  others  regarding  the
limitations  which exist with respect to our resources and
our abilities to fulfill promises and expectations. In the
absence of such deliberate honesty we are sure to generate
disappointments and disintegration.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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