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  %TRUE LOVE BOUNDARIES PROOF UNION IDENTITY ADDICT 900624

     People who are genuinely in love respect the personal
boundaries  which are essential to personal integrity  and
authentic  identity.    Their union is not a  union  which
eliminates their separate identities.   Each person who is
authentically  participating in a love relationship has  a
separate  identity  and  personal boundaries within  which
they know themselves and who they are.   They respect each
other and the  personal boundaries which define the  space
within  which each person lives.   They communicate across
those boundaries with mutual respect and concern;  they do
not erase those personal boundaries.

     Addicts  and  codependents have a contrasting set  of
attitudes and expectations.  They expect that in true love
personal  boundaries will disappear  and they will be in a
union  which  is  free of  boundaries.    The  absence  of
personal boundaries is to them the proof of true love.  If
the  other  person  seeks to maintain personal boundaries,
that is viewed as the proof of the failure of the other to
let  go and be in true love.   People with such  a set  of
attitudes and expectations are trapped in a double bind.

     If  one participates in the erasure of boundaries one
becomes  confused as to who one is and becomes  vulnerable
to manipulation by others.   If one refuses to participate
in  the erasure of boundaries one may lose the "love"   of
the other who expects one's participation in such erasure.
The latter is a threat,  which if yielded to leads to  the
former.  Yet,  people who are unsure of their identity and
self  esteem are likely to yield to the threat,  and  fall
into  the trap of TRUE LOVE of the variety of addicts  and
codependents   who  become  attached  to  each  other   in
confusion and mutual  manipulation,  and so are unable  to
detach  from  each other to gain a wider perspective  upon
their life and what is happening to them.

     People  who  are truly and honestly in  love  respect
each  other's personal boundaries and are in  dialogue  in
ways   which  demonstrate  that  respect.     Each   knows
themselves and  the  other,    and is willing  to   reveal
themselves   in appropriate ways and at appropriate times.
Together they cooperate in building an honest relationship
which   is   free  of  confusion  and    manipulation   of
identities,   attitudes, perceptions, desires, needs,  and
fears.   The two are not confused  through  the  fusion of
two   into  one  with  no boundaries.   The two are one in
cooperation,    dialogue and respect for each  other,   as
separate  beings  who freely come together when they  both
wish to do so.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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