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                              %VIOLENT EXPECTATIONS 791202

     Personal  relationships  may be inhibited by  violent
expectations.    When  a  specific  kind  of  behavior  is
coercively expected,  it is impossible to share in it in a
meaningful   way.     Spontaneity   can   be   killed   by
expectations.    The  signals of violent expectations  are
rarely  explicitly verbal,  tending to  be  given  by  eye
contact,   facial  expressions,   body language,   and  by
implication.    The powerful person giving the  signals is
often  totally  unaware  of the signals,  and may  not  be
conscious of the expectations.  Such a person is likely to
become   disturbed   by  behavior  which  challenges   the
expectations, yet may deny that the expectations are real.
On the other hand,  the person may regard the expectations
as  representing the only thinkable kind of behavior;  and
be baffled  at the suggestion that there is any other  way
to behave.

     Expectations   generate   conformal  behavior,    not
spontaneity  and friendship.   Friends and lovers must  be
free  of coercive expectations.   If expectations lead  to
bitter  disappointments and breakdowns  in  communication,
they  are  probably  expectations which are  coercive  and
violent.  The expectations are often not fulfilled because
the  person toward whom they are direction  feels  coerced
and  violated  by than;  and to maintain personal  freedom
refuses to conform.   Yet,  even in the refusal to conform
the  victim  is violated;  for the refusal to  conform  is
dictated  by  the  violent expectations.   The  victim  is
trapped  in  a double blind.   The desire to  fulfill  the
behavior   which   is   expected  independently   of   the
expectations is made impossible by the expectations.    To
fulfill  the  behavior in spite of the expectations is  to
engage   in  behavior  whose  meaning  is  robbed  by  the
expectations.   To refuse to fulfill the behavior  because
of  the expectations is to deny the desire to fulfill  the
behavior independently of the expectations.

     Much of our pleasure is associated with anticipation.
To  anticipate  in hope is not the same as to expect  with
the  power  to  assure fulfillment  of  expectation,   for
expectation combined with power occasions coercion.   Hope
is  not  coercive.   We often slip from anticipation  with
hope into expectations which undermine the fulfillment  of
the hope by the subtle threat of coercive disappointment.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
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