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%PRIVATE INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS 970717
See the preceding essays for background information.
It is particularly difficult to be in agreement about
what is a healthy balance between various principles of
morality pertaining to intimate relationships. The
difficulty originates in at least the following facts of
life:
1. Vulnerability increases with intimacy and trust.
2. Vulnerability increases with privacy.
3. Power balance is essential to true intimacy and
trust.
4. Mutuality in desire is essential to true intimacy
and trust.
5. Desire for privacy increases with intimacy and
trust.
6. Intrusion by outsiders into private intimate re-
lations encourages secrecy/deception/alienation/resentment
and reduces creativity/spontaneity/authenticity.
7. Outsiders are not and cannot be well informed
about the nature of private intimate relationships --- and
so cannot accurately predict the consequences of anybody
intruding into them.
8. Participants in private intimate relationships
may therein be participants in collusive games of mutual
self deception --- which they cannot transcend without
seeking and accepting outside insights and help.
The more perverse a private intimate relationship is
--- the less likely the participants are to seek and
accept the outside help that they need --- and the more
alienative is any intrusion likely to be.
The more intrusive people are into private intimate
relationships --- the more clever, subtle, and invisible
such relationships become --- increasing the alienation
between intimate people (seeking to respond to the
promptings of love), from intrusive people (determined to
rescue people from misguided and/or incompetent love.)
Alienative relationships will not be transcended or
healed by focusing attention upon:
Who is guilty,
Who is to blame,
Who should be punished,
What laws were violated,
Who did not conform properly,
Who is imperfect,
Who is better than others,
Issues of control,
Either/or demands or questions,
Authoritative statements, prescriptions or
proscriptions.
Selected scriptures chosen to show who is right and
who is wrong.
Alienation is most helpfully described in terms of
communications which are:
Blocked Prevented Avoided Judgmental
Perverted Undermined Confused Arrogant
Impossible Unwanted Feared Self-Righteous
Chaotic Abused Terminated Rude
Inaccurate Unreliable Distrusted Incomplete
One-way Tenuous Misinterpreted Collusive
Censored Selective Filtered Dishonest
Formalized Specialized Constrained Misleading
Strained Violent Coercive Dichotomous
Hurtful Failed Faultful Either/or
Unskilled Disconnected Incoherent Spiteful
To overcome alienation (which is the essence of evil
and the motivater of immortality) we need to deal openly
and honestly with:
1. Each of the tragic aspects of alienation.
2. The human experiences which occasion alienation.
3. The limitations of human technologies, powers and
resources.
4. The importance of Love.
5. Multiple causes of each effect, and multiple
effects of each cause.
6. Complex webs of fee-back loops which augment both
alienation and immoral patterns of behavior.
7. Human tendencies to be tolerant of immoral
behaviors which are like our own, but intolerant of
immoral behaviors which are unlike our own.
People who have not been offered, accepted, and
enjoyed true security --- known as the freedom to be
safely vulnerable --- are bound to be defensive and
engaged in alienative/immoral relationships. Their
defensive maneuvers generate insecurity and alienation
with echoes which come back to haunt them via multiple
feed-back loops. There are no technical solutions or
fixes by which to overcome such alienation/immortality;
not even the best laws, prescriptions, and judicial
procedures can overcome such alienation/immorality.
(c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in
www.essayz.com Search for Integrity and Honesty
(On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)
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