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   %COERCION FORCED INTIMACY FORMALITY RELATIONSHIP 960717

     Human  relationships  exist  at  various  levels   of
formality  and/or intimacy.   Distinctions may not be only
along  a linear scale, yet  here let us consider primarily
the scale from formal to intimate relationships.

     Formal relationships are guided by formulas.  Various
behaviors,   reactions  and  responses  are  according  to
formulas  which  define the  formal  relationships.    The
participants  in formal relationships may,  or may not  be
consciously  aware  of  the  formulas  which  define their
relationships.

     Highly  intimate relationships which are informal are
guided  by the desires and creativity of the participants;
within  some  commonly understood  framework  and  context
which  sets boundaries within which behaviors,   reactions
and responses will be regarded as worthy of respect.

     People   differ   in  regards  to   what   kinds   of
relationships  are comfortable to them.   Being forced  to
participate   in   relationships   which   make   us    be
uncomfortable  is   coercive.   If people impose  upon  us
formal  rules  which we must conform to be  to acceptable,
those formal rules are often used as manipulative tools to
put us at a disadvantage compared to those who impose  the
formal  rules  upon  us.   Such coercion  is  violent  and
violates   our  integrity,   and  the  integrity  of   our
community.

     Being  forced to participate in  relationships  which
are more "intimate"  than we welcome---is also coercive in
violent ways which violate our integrity and the integrity
of  our community.    Being forced to be  more  "intimate"
than  we  want to be---generates  dishonest  relationships
which are disintegrative.   People are forced to appear to
be other than they really are.   People are not free to be
true   to  themselves  and  each  other.    The  resultant
"intimacy"  is false intimacy,  not true intimacy.    Such
coercion leads people to live lies which they do not  want
to live.

     Intimacy  is developed by reciprocal  invitations  to
deeper  levels  of  intimacy;  not  by  imposed  formulas,
formalities,    conformity,   traditions,    etc.     Such
invitations  to  deeper levels of intimacy  are  not  true
invitations  if  they do not involved balanced  levels  of
vulnerability.   If the person "offering" the "invitation"
is seeking to make the person to whom the "invitation"  is
"offered"   more  vulnerable than they are willing  to  be
themselves---they  are  being  dishonest,   coercive   and
violent.   Their behavior is bound to yield bitter  fruits
of personal and communal disintegration.

     In  a  similar way  integrative   formalities  entail
invitations which are open,  honest,  and  equal levels of
vulnerability.    Integrative formalities are not  imposed
upon the weak by the strong.

     Integrative   relationships  are  not  generated   by
imposition,   coercion or violence of any kind.   They are
generated  by  invitations which entail  equal  levels  of
power and vulnerability---and the freedom  to be secure in
both intimate and formal relationships.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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