This is http://www.essayz.com/a9602061.htm         
Previous-Essay      <== This-Essay ==>     Following-Essay
Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words.
{Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.}
==========================================================
    %HELPFUL RECOGNIZE NAME DESCRIBE TALK UNHEALTHY+960206
    %DISTINGUISH FRIEND ENEMY MEMBER RESPECT ACCEPT+960206
    %MEMBER REJECT INSIDER OUTSIDER TEAM COMPETITOR+960206
     %RESPECT SUSPECT DIFFERENT TRUST RISK LOVE SIN 960206

     It  is often helpful to recognize,  name,  describe &
talk about both  the healthy & the unhealthy ways in which
people  distinguish between  friends & enemies,  members &
non-members,  respectable  &  non-respectable,  accepted &
rejected,    insiders   &   outsiders,    team-members   &
competitors, truth-worthy & suspected, etc.

     Often  the  basis for making distinctions has  to  do
with how alike or different the "others"  are.    Usually,
but not always, we trust others who are like us.  However,
if we are not honest & trustworthy it is more complicated.
Then  we  know we cannot trust others who are like  us  in
being  dishonest---but  still find it difficult  to  trust
others  who  are not like us because they are  honest  and
trustworthy.   If we are not honest and trustworthy we are
trapped in a double bind in distinguishing between friends
and   enemies---because  our  paradigm  makes  it   nearly
impossible to do so in any reliable way.

     Healthy  people develop ways to focus their attention
within  fellowships,   groups,  clubs,  organizations  and
institutions wherein they have honesty in  common---and so
can understand and cooperate  with each other effectively.
They  communicate through the use of  commonly  understood
languages, signs, signals, body language, looks, gestures,
and ways of being who they are in each other's presence.

     Healthy  people cooperate and work together in  terms
of  what  they  share in common and  feel  comfortable  in
sharing.  They comfort each other in times of distress and
enjoy each other's presence  in  times  of  relaxed mutual
vulnerability.   They share many common bonds because they
recognize  and  respect many common boundaries in  a  very
relaxed way.

     Healthy people are relaxed in how they relate to each
other and to "outsiders".   They are not constantly on the
defensive towards each other or towards "outsiders". Their
lives are not dominated by  insecurity and fear. They know
what they share in common.  What they share in common bond
is not any of the following:

     1.  Fear of some enemy,

     2.  Fear of non-conformists,

     3.  Fear of the truth,

     4.  Preoccupations with boundaries,

     5.  Preoccupations with controls,

     6.  Addictions to fixes,

     7.  Lacks and imperfections,

     8.  Patterns of exclusivity,

     9.  Manipulative technologies,

     10.  Anger, resentment, indignation, or bitterness.

     If  we are not wise and prudent we are likely to  let
whatever  is  the  basis  for  our  being  together  in  a
community  that  is sharing common  bonds---to become  the
basis for excluding others from our community and so to be
the  basis  for creating enemies upon whom  to  focus  our
fears.   Then our common bonds become the bars of a prison
which  is surrounded by our enemies---and  from  which  we
cannot  escape because we have defined all outsiders to be
enemies.

     We  need  to find common bonds of  honest  fellowship
which lead us to be inclusive,  rather than exclusive;  to
create friends, rather than enemies.

     If  the  basis  for  our  being  together   generates
conflicts  with  those  who are not with  us;  rather than
facilitates  conflict  resolution with all people whom  we
meet---then we can  never be secure, and we must always be
defensive  in ways which publicly declare  our  insecurity
and our fears.

     We  need to gather together on the basis  of  ideals,
values, principles, beliefs, paradigms and cosmic views of
the   nature  of  reality---which   facilitates   conflict
resolution with all people whom we meet.   It is dangerous
to  gather together within mutually exclusive  fellowships
based upon fears and distrust towards those within "other"
strange fellowships.

     We  need  to gather together in  ways  which  promote
dialogue  and mutual understanding with those who are  not
in  our  own fellowship.    If we do not do so---we gather
together in ways which  promote alienation from,  and mis-
understanding  towards,  and conflicts with those who  are
not in our fellowship.

     If we are compulsively preoccupied with what makes us
different from those who are not with us---we are bound to
fear  those  who  are not with us;  to  fear them  and  be
defensive towards them.  We need,  therefore to be careful
to gather together in terms of integrative ideals, values,
and principles which will  help  us to  integrate into our
fellowship "outsiders"; those whom  we  might otherwise be
inclined to  exclude  so as to better define  who  belongs
inside.   Exclusivity is a dangerous  basis for defining a
fellowship; for it inevitably leads to conflict generation
and maintenance,   rather  than to conflict resolution and
transcendence.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
==========================================================