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    %EXCLUSIVE PEOPLE FALLING IN LOVE IDEALS VALUES+951210
     %ASSUMPTIONS QUESTIONS CONCERNS PREOCCUPATIONS+951210
                         %CONTROL COERCION VIOLENCE 951210

     When  exclusive  people  are  falling in love,  their
falling  in  love  tends  to be  dominated  by  issues  of
exclusivity;  especially if they are not equally exclusive
people---for then there  are  conflicts between and  among
their   unarticulated   ideals,    values,    assumptions,
questions, concerns, and preoccupations.

     Exclusive people tend  to think that it is impossible
and/or improper for people to be  fully responsive in open
and honest  dialogue with more than one other person "at a
time".    To  exclusive people,  openness and honesty  are
scarce resources---which  must  be rationed and limited to
just one other person at a time.

     When  exclusive  people  are falling  in  love,   the
process  is  dominated by questions  of  rights  to  being
involved in fully responsive open and honest dialogue.  If
exclusive Jack  is  falling in love with Jill---when  Jill
has  been intimately involved with John ---  Jack is bound
to   be   preoccupied  with  excluding  John  from   fully
responsive open  and honest dialogue with Jill.  There  is
bound to be conflict over who will "own"   Jill,  even  if
Jill and John are not exclusive persons.   If Jill is  not
mature, she may fall  into the trap of falling exclusively
in love with Jack ---  even though  doing so will lead her
into an abusive relationship.

     As people "fall in love" there are often many ways in
which they  are  trying to sort out  issues of inclusivity
and  exclusivity.    The exact nature of that  process  of
sorting  out  such issues depends upon  what  assumptions,
attitudes,  beliefs,  convictions,  perceptions,  desires,
they  bring to the process  of "falling  in love".    Much
depends  upon how well the  participants  recognize, name,
describe and clarify the issues of exclusivity in intimate
human  relationships.    If there are many "taboo  truths"
they are  likely to be (or  become)  trapped  in exclusive
relationships  within  collusive  games  of  mutual  self-
deception.    The primary issues for them are likely to be
issues of ownership, control, conformity and propriety.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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