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   %PRIORITY FIRST PREPARE CONTEXT HONESTY INTIMACY+931217
  %TRUE SECURITY VULNERABILITY CLEAR ARTICULATE SEX 931217

     Honesty  and intimacy are not either safe nor prudent
within  some threatening contexts.   First we must work to
create contexts within which honesty and intimacy are safe
and prudent.   Creating contexts within which honesty  and
intimacy are safe and prudent is priority work, work to be
done first, before taking risks in being totally
open, honest and intimate.

     Participants   in collusive games of  self  deception
such  as  addicts  and  codependents  are  threatened   by
openness,   honesty  and intimacy in which people are open
and  honest with  each other.    It is neither prudent nor
safe   to   be totally open and honest   within   intimate
relationships  in  the presence  of  colluders  who   will
be    made   violently  defensive   by    such   behavior.
Foundations  must   be  laid down which   will   constrain
colluders  by their  own  rules  to refrain from  coercive
violence  in response to transitional forms  of  openness,
honesty and intimacy.

     Colluders  by  their  own  rules  cannot  openly  and
honestly  challenge  integrative behaviors in  ways  which
will  expose  their  own  dishonesty  and   disintegrative
behaviors.     Colluders  almost  always  operate  tacitly
and   implicitly;    according  to  silent  rules.     The
challenge  is to move the boundaries which  exist  between
behaviors   which  colluders   will   tolerate  in     the
direction of openness, honesty,  and integrative intimacy;
and away from deception,  secretiveness,  dishonesty---and
away   from    misleading    attitudes,       assumptions,
beliefs, convictions,  perceptions and convictions.

     We  can  be most effective when  we  move  boundaries
in  ways  which  do  not immediately  threaten  colluders,
but   which  work  to lay  the  foundations  for  building
contexts   within   which    honesty    and    integrative
intimacy   are  not  only possible but are  accepted   and
respected.      This entails generating   consensus  as to
what  kinds  of  responses   to   openness,   honesty  and
integrative  intimacy  are out of bounds,  not worthy   of
respect,       and   are   signs     of     disintegrative
dysfunctional personalities.   We need to articulate clear
guidelines on recognizing  dysfunctional personalities who
are operating out of  a dysfunctional family and  cultural
background.    Clear articulations of such guidelines  can
help  us  to   create integrative contexts within which we
can   safely   be   open   and   honest   in   integrative
intimate  relationships.   Then  we  can truly enjoy  real
security.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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