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         %REFLEXIVE RELATION PERCEPTION UNIQUE NEED 930429

     Jack has  certain  unilateral expectations of Jill in
light of his desires, wants, and perceived needs.  Jack is
unable  to get to know Jill as  she  really is as a unique
person,   because    Jack   is  dominated  by   his    own
unilateral  expectations,   desires,  wants and  perceived
needs. He does not see Jill as Jill is. He sees Jill as he
desires her to be, expects her to be, needs her to be

     Jill  is  who she is within  reflexive relationships.
Jill is  not  a detached objective entity who is who   she
is   apart  from  reflexive  relationships.  Who  Jill  is
depends upon the reflexive relationships within which Jill
is. The same  is true of Jack.   Neither Jack nor Jill can
come to know   the other   or   them   self  apart    from
their   reflexive relationships.   If  their relationships
are  coercive,    they  get   to  know   each   other   in
response to  their coercive relationships.

     If Jack  has certain unilateral expectations of Jill,
then  Jill   in  her relationship with Jack  will  be  the
victim  of Jack's coercive unilateral expectations.   Jack
will  not be able  to  perceive  Jill as she really is  in
response   to  Jack's  coercive  unilateral  expectations,
because  Jack  will  be  dominated   by   his   unilateral
expectations.      Jack's   dominant   expectations    and
anticipations will filter  the data which is available  to
Jack,   and  he will perceive Jill more in terms  of   his
desires,  needs,  expectations,  and anticipations;   than
in   terms  of  who  Jill  is  as  a participant in  their
reflexive relationship.

     Jill   may   bring  to  the  relationship   her   own
set  of  unilateral   expectations,     needs,    desires,
anticipations,  etc. Jill may not be able to perceive Jack
as  Jack  is in a unilateral way.   Jill may see  Jack  as
quite  different  than  he really is  in  their  reflexive
relationship.

     Jack  and  Jill  may  relate to  each  other  without
really meeting  and getting to know each other.   They may
relate primarily  to  their images of each other,    false
images   which    are    dominated    by     their     own
expectations, anticipations,  needs, desires, wants,  etc.
From  time  to time they may be surprised  to   find   out
that   the  other person is not responding in keeping with
expectations,    and   so  get   angry  and   abusive   in
disappointment  that  the other person has  not  fulfilled
expectations.

     Jack and  Jill need to seek to give to each other the
gift of  security as the freedom to be safely  vulnerable;
so  that they may honestly meet in an I-Thou  relationship
and   so  get   to   know    each   other    apart    from
manipulative expectations,  anticipations, needs, desires,
and wants.  If they do not do so,   they  will  be  unable
to  resolve the conflicts  between/among   their   ideals,
values,    and themselves.   Their  lives will be full  of
use,    abuse,  manipulations,  coercions,  preoccupations
with control, and violence of various kinds.

     If Jack and   Jill  successfully seek to  give to and
accept  from  each  other  the gift  of  security  as  the
freedom  to  be safely vulnerable;   then they  may   grow
within  a  changing reflexive  relationship   of   healthy
openness,   honesty,  intimacy  and  meaning;   developing
personal  and communal integrity as they do so.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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