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  %CONFLICT RESOLUTION ASK IMPORTANT QUESTION VALUE 911207

     In the midst of  each  conflict  it is important that
participants in the conflict and observers of the conflict
openly  ask  and  honestly  seek  honest  answers  to  the
following very basic questions:

     Question #1.  What values, ideals,  principles, hopes
and  aspirations  do  each  of  the  participants  in  the
conflict believe in,   articulate,   promote  or otherwise
suggest are worthy of respect?  What do they say that they
stand  for?   How coherent are they in what they SAY  that
they stand  for?   Do their statements hang  together  and
demonstrate real personal integrity?  THIS QUESTION HAS TO
DO WITH HOW PEOPLE PRESENT THEMSELVES.  What kind of image
of themselves do they promote?   It is important to openly
and  honestly  recognize and  talk  about  the  images  of
themselves which people in conflict present to others.

     Question #2.  How well do the respective participants
in  each  conflict  work towards the  fulfillment  of  the
values,  ideals,  principles,  hopes and aspirations which
they  ostensibly  believe  in,   articulate,   promote  or
otherwise suggest are worthy  of respect?   Do they behave
with  integrity in coherent support of what they say?   Do
their  actions  speak  in concert with their words?   This
question  focuses  upon  ACTIONS WHICH SPEAK  LOUDER  THAN
WORDS alone.    What kind of person are they in real fact?
The images which people try  to  present  of themselves do
not always correspond to what  they as persons really are!
It is important to openly and honestly recognize  and talk
about the differences between people in this regard.

     Question #3.  How TECHNICALLY COMPETENT AND EFFECTIVE
are the respective participants in  their efforts to  work
towards the fulfillment of the values, ideals, principles,
hopes  and  aspirations which they ostensibly believe  in,
articulate, promote or otherwise  suggest  are  worthy  of
respect?    Some people are sincere,  but not  technically
competent and/or effective.  It is important to openly and
honestly  recognize and talk about the differences between
people in this regard.

     Question #4.  How well do the respective participants
encourage  and  facilitate  creative  endeavors  of  other
people to help really resolve the conflicts?  Do they help
to create secure contexts within which other people really
feel free to,   and actually do contribute  their creative
insights both openly and honestly?    Openness and honesty
entail vulnerability.   Real security is the freedom to be
vulnerable.    This  question  has  to  do  with   whether
participants  ENGENDER FEAR,    OR PROMOTE SECURE CONTEXTS
WHICH MINIMIZE FEAR.

     Question #5.  What  KIND  OF  POWERS  DO  THE VARIOUS
PARTICIPANTS  EXERCISE?    Are they  "respected"   because
people  fear  their  ability,  power  and  inclination  to
manipulate and coerce other persons?   Or,  are they truly
respected because of their personal  integrity  and  their
efforts to promote communal integrity?  How secure are the
various  participants  in who they are?   Do they honestly
know themselves?  Are they being true to themselves and to
other people?   Or,  are they fearful  and defensive?   Do
they  engender  fear  and defensiveness  in  others,   and
exercise power that way?

     Question #6.  Do the various participants act  so  as
to TURN CONFLICTS INTO PERSONAL CONTESTS;  or do they  act
so  as  to help participants in conflicts  cooperate  with
each  other by clarifying the competing  values,   ideals,
principles,  hopes and aspirations which in practice often
lead in conflicting ways?

     To  the  extent  that our responses to  conflict  are
motivated  and  led by fear,  to  that  extent  we  become
victim/participants  with  those  people who use fear as a
tool   in  manipulating  other  persons  as  addicts   and
codependents---who   are  trapped  in  their  prisons   of
addiction, codependence and collusive games of mutual self
deception; including ourselves.

     To  the  extent that our responses  to  conflict  are
motivated  and  led  by  Love,   to that extent we  become
liberators of  the children  of God who are trapped in the
prisons of  addiction, codependence and collusive games of
mutual self deception; including ourselves.

     If  we  perceive conflicts to be holy battles between
agents  of  evil and agents of good,  then we  are  deeply
troubled  because we have eaten the forbidden fruit of the
Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil,  and are alienated
from each other.

     If  we perceive conflicts as open and honest dialogue
between  people  seeking  to  promote  both  personal  and
communal integrity through the Works of Love,  then we can
enjoy each other's honest and intimate presence;  which is
the closest thing we know to heaven.

     The  choices which exist are always ours to make  and
own.    By what choices we  make and own our personal  and
communal lives are decided.  We need to be open and honest
with  ourselves and each other about what choices we  have
made,   are  making,  and may make;  that we may  own  the
consequences of each, and learn from them.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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