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    %ATTEMPT CONTROL OTHER PERSON RELATIONSHIP SELF 910827

     Any  attempt  to  control  the  thoughts,   feelings,
expressions  and/or   behaviors  of  another   person  are
based   upon  a superficial understanding of the nature of
people,  and of the relationships among people.

     It  is  impossible   to  attempt  to control  another
person  without  thereby affecting the  relationship  with
that  other person.     The   attempt  to   control   will
affect   the relationship.

     We cannot relate to another person  without affecting
our  relationship  with the other person.  People  do  not
exist  independently  of  their  relationships  with  each
other.   Thus it is impossible to control  another  person
without   controlling  our  relationship  with  the  other
person.  However,  our relationship with another person is
influenced  by:  the other person's responses,  the  other
person's friends and relatives, our friends and relatives,
and governmental actions.  We cannot control all that  may
influence our relationship,  and so we cannot control  the
relationship.

     We  cannot  control  our  relationship  with  another
person apart from controlling our own behavior in  keeping
with  our  theory  of  how our behavior  will  affect  our
relationship, the other person,  and all the other persons
who  may  influence our relationship.  If  our  theory  is
inadequate, our efforts to achieve control will fail.

     If  we  do  not know thoroughly  another person  (and
their  social context)   well through an open  and  honest
intimate  relationships with the other person,  we do  not
have a firm foundation for predicting how the other person
(and  their social context) will respond to some change in
our  pattern  of  behavior;    we  will  not  be  reliably
informed,    and  will have no basis for  making  informed
decisions.   If the other person  has not informed us,  or
has  mislead us;   then  we cannot  know all that we would
need to know to be sure  of what  we should do to get  the
other person to do  what  we want them to do.

     If  we  think   that   the other  person  (and  their
social context)    will respond to our actions as we would
respond  to  the same actions,   then we are fools;    and
fools  do  not succeed in achieving what  they  intend  to
achieve, assuming they have clear intentions.

     If   we   let  other people control us,    out  of  a
desire  to  endear  ourselves to them;   we will find that
neither  they nor  we are in control of what is  happening
to us and  our relationship. We will be the victims of the
disintegrative  assumptions,     attitudes   and   beliefs
which    lead   us   to  participate   dishonestly  in   a
passive/aggressive   violent  relationship.   We  will  be
controlled by our disintegrative assumptions,    attitudes
and  beliefs;    and will not be able to  be  honest  with
ourselves  or  with  others about what   it  is   that  is
controlling  us all.   We will be in prisons  of  our  own
making,    and unable to see how to get out   through  the
open door which we think is locked.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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