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     %CHILD AVOID EVADE SILENT QUIET ISSUE CONFLICT 910429

     In   dysfunctional   families  many  times   children
learn   to  cope/survive by avoiding,   evading,   hiding,
being  silent  and   being  quite  about  conflicts  which
members  of  their family  are  embarrassed  by,   and are
unable  to  resolve openly  and honestly.   Certain topics
are  not talked  about,  and  35   messages are given  and
received that such  topics are not to be talked about. The
tacit rules say it is very important  to avoid the topics,
evade the  issues,   hide interest  in  them,  pretend not
to  know,   be quiet  about them,    not make an issue  of
them,    and pretend  that  the conflicts relating to them
do not exist.

     Keeping  quiet may be an effective  survival strategy
for a child  who  does not have the  power to  effectively
oppose   the   more  powerful  parents  and  teachers  who
participate  in collusive games of mutual self  deception.
It  is dangerous for  a  relatively  powerless  child   to
reveal   critical thoughts and creative feelings  relating
to  how  dishonestly parents and teachers  behave.    Thus
children often learn to be  silent,    quiet,   invisible,
and to avoid issues  and conflicts---in order to survive.

     Silenced  children often become the parents of  their
own inner   adult   selves,    who  live  to    perpetuate
the  dysfunctional  patterns  of behavior which  prevented
them  from  resolving conflicts when they  were  children.
Silenced children  do not grow up,  AND they become adults
who   are  unaware of all that has  been  silenced  within
them;    and so as  adults  they  are unable to cope  with
their    silenced  thoughts,   feelings,   conflicts   and
embarrassments.  They in turn  silence their own children,
and the  cycle  repeats over and over and over.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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