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   %BEING THERE WHEN NEEDED PRESENCE HONEST RESPOND 910322

     It is often  said  that someone was there  in time of
persona  need;    and  that other people were not there in
time  of personal need.

     In  such   statements   "there"    is  clearly not  a
physical place.

     People  who  are not there in time  of  personal need
often do not know what is meant by "there",  because  they
are  rarely  personally   present in any  meaningful  way,
even when they are physically in a given physical place.

     To be there  in time of personal need does have to do
with presence, but not exclusively with physical presence.

     Some  people can  be there in  time  of personal need
through the aid of the telephone.

     Other people can  make endless phone calls and not be
there in time of personal need.

     There are people who have been so present much of the
time  that   they  are there in time of   personal   needs
without physical presence, and without actual phone calls;
for  the  spirit  of their presence is  pervasive.    Such
presence  is not a matter of quantity.

     To  be there in time of personal need has  to do with
being honestly  responsive  as  a person  with  integrity,
who demonstrates  courage  and  compassion  in  the   face
of  adversity.    Such  demonstrations do not have to   do
with technical knowledge, skills, or sophistication.

     Some people care  too  much to be  there  in times of
personal  need.    They are always trying to take care  of
people,   by trying  to take charge in one way or another;
and so  are never  there in a meaningful way when they  as
persons  are most needed.  There is little honest  meaning
in their care,  and so they are very trying people to have
around  in  times of  personal  need;     always   trying,
but  rarely  being themselves with personal integrity.

     People who are there in times of personal  need  know
how  to be  themselves  with personal integrity,   because
that  is what  they  are doing all the time,   not just in
times   of  others'     personal  need.   They  care  with
integrity  rather than with techniques.

     People   who are there when they are needed know  how
to  be  authentically   present  in  the  eternal  now  of
I-Thou relationships,    because  they have often  been so
present  in  the  daily meetings  of  routine  activities.
They   are  not compulsively preoccupied with  techniques,
or with  fixing things.   They live focused lives in which
they   honestly  focus  on  truly  being  themselves  with
personal  and communal integrity,  and do not make  a  big
deal of their efforts.

     People who are there  when  they  are  needed are not
competent technocrats.   Competent technocrats are  rarely
there   when  there  are  personal  needs  which  can   be
met   only  in authentic  meetings in the presence of  the
eternal  now  of I-Thou   relationships.    The  essential
presence   is  of spiritual  reality,    not  the   result
of  efforts  or  a technology.   It  is not possible to be
there   with  great effort in time of personal need.   Too
much effort makes one be absent when one is needed.

     It   is   enough   to be there for  people  in  their
times  of personal  need;   trying too hard and making  to
much  of  an  effort suggest that you are being there  for
your own sake, rather than for another person.

     The  meaning  of a person's presence is sensed in the
why of their presence,   as much as in what they do  while
they are present.   People  who are present for their  own
reasons  cannot   be  present  for other people in   their
times   of personal need;  for they are always seeking  to
find,  define and refine techniques which they think  will
enable them to fulfill their own un-met needs.  Few or  no
people  have  been  present  to them  in  their  times  of
personal need;  thus they do not know what is involved  in
such presence.

     Being  there   in   the   time  of  a  person's  need
involves knowledge gained through other people being there
in one's own times of personal need.   Such knowledge  can
be  lost  in  the    stress  of  being   too   much   with
people   who   are compulsively  preoccupied  with  fixes,
fixing,  controlling and manipulations.

     Being  there  in  the time of a person's need  is  in
part intuitive  knowledge  which children can share   with
more  mature   people,    if the children  have  not  been
forced  to forget  through  times  of stress which   force
them   into  manipulative  coping strategies in  order  to
survive.     Such  intuitive  knowledge is  encouraged  or
discouraged;    it   is not  taught  as  a  technology  is
taught.      The   manner   of  associates'       presence
encourages    or    discourages   such  knowledge.      In
manipulative   presences  such  knowledge   is  repressed,
suppressed  and forgotten;   in keeping with the collusive
games   of   mutual  self  deception  of  addictive    and
codependent manipulators.

     Being  there in the time of a person's personal  need
is  not  a  matter of solving personal problems,    it  is
about  being  there  for them,   and with them;    meeting
personal dilemmas with honesty, dignity and integrity.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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