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  %FEAR NATURAL CONSEQUENCE PERSONAL REJECTION EVIL 900925

     The  reasonable  fear of the natural consequences  of
falling,  fire, flood, cold, etc.  serves a useful purpose
in motivating us to avoid the circumstances where we would
likely suffer such natural consequences.  It is reasonable
to  fear  such natural consequences and to take  steps  to
avoid them.

     The  fear of personal rejection in a community  which
threatens  personal rejection for failures to  conform  to
coercive expectations,  is another kind of fear which does
not  serve a useful purpose;  for conformal behavior  does
not  eliminate the threat of rejection,  and so  does  not
eliminate reasonable fear of rejection.  The two kinds  of
fear  need to be distinguished from each other,  for  they
are different in important ways.

     Coercive  communities which demand conformity as  the
price for personal acceptance,  do not withdraw the threat
of  rejection  as a reward for conformity.  The threat  of
personal  rejection is always maintained,  and so the fear
of such personal rejection seems reasonable so long as the
threat  of rejection is maintained.  Conformity is  not  a
satisfying  response to the threat of personal  rejection,
because  conformity  does  not eliminate  the  threat  and
danger of personal rejection.  In such a community fear is
perpetual and disintegrative.

     The wise response to threats of personal rejection as
punishment  for failure to conform,  is to  transcend  the
apparent  need  for conditional acceptance  from  coercive
people  who issue threats of personal rejection in efforts
to  control  others and who try to produce  conformity  to
some  standard pattern of behavior.  The people who  issue
such  disintegrative threats of personal  rejection,   are
participants   in  addictive  and   codependent   behavior
patterns   involving   collusive  games  of  mutual   self
deception.   They are dishonest.  They are  not  authentic
people.

     People do not genuinely need conditional  acceptance;
even though all people do need honest love,  affection and
dialogue within secure contexts. The authentic gift of the
freedom  to  be secure in open and honest dialogue  is  an
authentic response to a real need.  However,  the offering
of  conditional  acceptance  in return for  some  form  of
conformity  is NOT an authentic response to a  real  need;
thus  such  false  offerings should not  be  respected  or
desired.

     It  is  foolish to seek conditional acceptance,   for
conditional  acceptance  is of no real value;   those  who
offer conditional acceptance have nothing of real value to
offer,   for they do not honestly know what authentic love
is  because of their dishonesty.  The transcendence of the
apparent need for conditional acceptance involves in  some
way  recognizing that conditional acceptance is  dishonest
and is evil because it leads to disintegrative personal an
communal behavior patterns.

     The  transcendence  of  dishonest  manipulations   is
rooted  in being honest and clear about how and  why  such
manipulations  succeed in getting people to do violence to
their  own  personal integrity,  and to the  integrity  of
their community. With such honesty and clarity we can take
the  steps  we  need to take to  change  our  perceptions,
attitudes, beliefs, convictions, ideals,  values and goals
so as to cease being vulnerable to such manipulations.

     So long as we fail to make such changes ourselves for
ourselves  we will continue to be vulnerable and  will  be
victims  of our own failure to change  ourselves.   Others
have no power to prevent us from making the changes in our
selves which will set us free.  We can be free if we truly
seek  to be free in honest efforts to change our selves in
the  light of a clear and honest understanding of how  and
why disintegrative manipulations succeed in getting people
to do violence to their own personal integrity, and to the
integrity of their community.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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