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    %PERMISSIVE STRICT PATERNAL HONEST ADDICT CHILD 900724

     There  are many discussions about how  strict  and/or
how  permissive  parents should be.  In  such  discussions
often the issue is one of how much control parents  should
have   over   their  children.   Often  ignored  in   such
discussions  is the issue of honesty between  parents  and
children,  and whether or not the central issue should  be
the issue of control.

     The  issue  of control is a central issue to  addicts
and codependents. For the issue of control to be a central
issue  in  parenting  suggests that the attitudes  of  the
parents  and/or  children are like those  of  addicts  and
codependents.  When the issues revolve around who controls
whom, in what way, and to what extent;  then the family is
disintegrating, regardless of how the misleading questions
are answered.  There are no good answers to the misleading
questions.

     There  is  a need to understand the issues in  a  way
other  than  the  way in which  addicts  and  codependents
understand the issues.  There are real issues,  and  there
are  wise questions regarding the manner in which  healthy
parents relate to their children,  and healthy children to
their  parents.   There are issues of  responsibility  and
accountability. In all such issues it is important to keep
central in consciousness the many questions pertaining  to
personal integrity,  communal integrity, honesty, and true
love.   It is important to avoid letting consideration  of
such issues to degenerate into conflicts over the exercise
of power,  authority,  and control;  without regard to the
costs   in   alienation   and  disintegration   of   human
relationships.

     Children and adolescents internalize the issues which
their  parents consider most important;  even though  they
may  not  resolve  the  issues,  and  answer  the  related
questions in the same way as their parents. If parents are
preoccupied  with  the issues which preoccupy addicts  and
codependents   (control,   perfection,    getting   fixed,
appearances,  acceptability, etc.) then their children are
likely  to  internalize  those issues as  being  the  most
important issues around which the children organize  their
lives.  The questions they ask and the beliefs which  they
are  likely to regard as significant in their adult lives,
are  likely to be those which relate to the  issues  which
dominated   their   lives  with   their   parents.    Such
internalizations  are  made  into  their  child-within  at
levels which are not rational, conscious, or open to ready
examination  and re-evaluation.  Such internalizations are
likely  to reside in their child within  throughout  their
adult life, and play major roles in motivating and guiding
their adult lives in ways which they are unaware of.

     If  parents value their children as unique persons in
their own right, and are in unconditional two way dialogue
with    them   within   the   context   of    affectionate
relationships;  their children are unlikely to internalize
the   issues  which  preoccupy  addicts  and  codependents
(control,    perfection,   getting  fixed,    appearances,
acceptability,  etc.)  as being of much importance.   Such
issues  are irrelevant to people who personally know  true
love  through authentic experiences of being themselves in
true love relationships.  They feel no need or inclination
to play collusive games of mutual self deception. They are
free  to  be  themselves without  being  preoccupied  with
themselves  and  what  impressions they  are  making  upon
others. Making a good impression is not a central issue to
them.

     Considerations such as these will play a central role
in  understanding problems which people have in  improving
parenting,   education,   business  relationships,   crime
prevention,   prevention and recovery from  addiction  and
codependence,  sex education, religious education, science
education, etc.  Without some form of understanding of the
personal dynamics of human maturation it is very difficult
to  work  within an integrative context  which  lets  each
generation  profit  from  the  mistakes  of  the  previous
generation.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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