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        %LACK AFFECTION LOVE EMPTY CHILDHOOD ADDICT 900608

     When he was a child Jack was not held affectionately.
There  was little affection shown or shared in his family.
There   was   no  hugging.    Jack   lacked   affectionate
affirmations,  and still does.  Jack feels empty and wants
to be filled.   Feeling so empty Jack does not want to let
go of what little he has.   Jack holds in  what he has and
does not share it because he feels empty and does not want
to feel even more empty.

     Because  he  was not affectionately held as  a  child
Jack now withholds what little he feels he has,  and tries
to grab,  get, acquire, hold onto, steal,  hoard,  ingest,
etc.---whatever/whoever  he  feels  may   contribute    to
overcoming his empty feeling.

     Jack   has  substituted  holding  onto  objects   and
possessions  for  affectionately  being held  and  holding
others---for he knows nothing of the latter.   Objects and
possessions   which  are  held  may  be  manipulated   and
controlled; they yield to Jack's efforts.   Jack has found
that  he  can  use objects which he can hold  and  own  to
compensate  in  part  for his not  having  been  held  and
affirmed  as   a child.  Yet Jack feels the need  for  the
human touch.

     Jack seeks to hold and use people as objects which he
might  manipulate  and control to meet his  need  for  the
human touch:  it seems logical to him.  Jack does not know
the  logic of healthy human affection because he  was  not
introduced to it as a child;  nor since then.   Jack wants
to  own  and  use people to fill the  emptiness  which  he
feels.   He does not understand that his emptiness  cannot
be filled in that way,  so he tries time and again to fill
his emptiness through ownership, possession, manipulation,
acquisition, control, etc.

     Jack is doing what his parents before him did. Jack's
wife  is emotionally,  if not physically,  abused.  Jack's
children have not been held in healthy affectionate  ways;
because Jack does not know how to do so.   In his  efforts
to fill himself Jack has tried the excessive use and abuse
of alcohol,  drugs,  food,  sex,  etc.   None of them have
stilled the emptiness he feels.  He is trying other things
which  he  can acquire,  buy,  get,  own,   use,   ingest,
manipulate,   control,   etc.   He does not understand the
logic   of  healthy  of  affection  because  it  was   not
demonstrated to him as a child.

     Jack cannot understand the logic of healthy affection
because  he  wants  to be in control  of  the  process  of
filling  himself.   Jack fears the risk of  not  being  in
control.  Jack does not trust others because as a child he
found  he could not trust the most important people around
him;   they  did  not fill his healthy needs  for  healthy
affection.

     Jack is trying to return to his childhood as an adult
to fix his childhood situations.   Jack thinks he now  has
the power to fix what he could not fix as a child.    Jack
seeks   out  people  who  remind  him  of  the   childhood
situations which he needs to fix, and with those people he
recreates the dysfunctional situations of his childhood so
he  can  return to them to fix them and affirm  his  adult
power to fix imperfections.

     Yet, Jack cannot fix what he intends to fix.  He does
not  have  the  power or knowledge or skills.    They  are
situations  which no person can control and fix.   Jack is
doomed  to failure in his efforts;  but he tries and tries
again, never learning from his failures.

     Jack moves towards focusing upon things over which he
can exercise control;  inanimate objects.   As a scientist
he  seeks  understanding  of inanimate objects so  he  can
understand,   predict and control;  and gain a measure  of
satisfaction  which he cannot seem to get from  trying  to
understand, predict and control people.

     In a desperate effort to gain the favorable attention
of people, Jack seeks to use his objective  knowledge  and
manipulative  skills to impress people.   Jack offers  his
manipulative  skills  to  help people solve their problems
and dilemmas.

     Yet,  Jack sees problems where there are no technical
problems;  where there are human dilemmas which cannot  be
"solved"  through technical procedures.   Jack is addicted
to  technical solutions.   Jack shares his addiction  with
others  and  helps them to become  addicted  to  technical
solutions; i.e., to become technocrats.  They seek to gain
control of that which cannot be controlled through the use
of techniques.   They cannot see the implications of their
failures,   and try again and again to control what cannot
be controlled.

     They have not honestly dealt with the reality of  the
lacks of their childhoods.   They deny the reality of what
was missing,  and do not deal with the consequences of the
lack  of affection in their childhood.   They pretend that
their  childhood  was  more healthy than  it  really  was.
Pretense  forms  a  very shaky foundation  upon  which  to
build,   and their building fails because it is built upon
very shaky foundations.   Yet they keep trying to build on
the  same  shaky foundations which would not  sustain  the
building  which  failed.    Their  denial  undermines  the
possibility of learning from failures.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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