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     %TEACH LEARN OBSERVE STRUCTURE HEALTH INTIMATE 900210

     Each  generation  needs  to  teach/observe/learn  the
structure  of healthy intimate relationships.  Because  of
the ways in which collusions,  addictions and networks  of
codependent relationships function, it is not always clear
what is the structure of healthy intimate relationships.

     It  is possible for dis-eased relationships to appear
to  be  healthy,   desirable,  respectable and  worthy  of
support.   It  is  possible for healthy  relationships  to
appear  to  be  improper and not  worthy  of  respect  and
support. Examples of these facts are present in daily life
for all who will to observe and note the structure of  how
we  do/don't  recognize the structure of healthy and  dis-
eased relationships.

     Because  of the structure of collusions,   addictions
and  networks  of codependent relationships,   it  is  not
always  safe to overtly comment on the structure of actual
dis-eased and actual unhealthy intimate relationships;  or
of  those which pass as such.  Perceptive  commentary  may
violate the dishonest conventions of powerful people,  and
so  such  commentary  may  need  to  be  framed  in  meta-
perceptive ways which reveal the essence of disintegrative
relationships,   without launching a direct  attack/threat
upon  the persons who are insecure and powerful;  and  who
might move to squash such honest insights.

     Many  insights  may  be gained  in  intimate  healthy
relationships  which  are  of such a character  that  many
powerful people will not respect them.  Being too explicit
about  the context within which the insights occurred  may
undermine the possibility of communicating the insights to
those who most need to understand them.  In such instances
it may be helpful to extract from the situations/insights,
abstract  integrative  principles  which  are  worthy   of
respect  on  their own,  and are likely  to  promote  both
personal  and  communal integrity.  It need  not  be  made
obvious where the insights came from;  and it may threaten
the  insecure,   defensive and powerful people to make  it
unnecessarily obvious where they came from.

     As we approach the possibilities of becoming intimate
with  another  person  we need to ask questions  and  make
prudent judgments:

     1.  What  are  our  motivations?   Is  either  of  us
looking  for  a  complimentary "other"  to fix  us  in  an
addictive/codependent relationship?

     2.  How  healthy  and honest are our respective  self
esteems? Are we looking for a post to cling to or lean on?
Are  we  hoping to gain respect by propping  up  a  broken
chimney?

     3.  How reliable to each other are we?  Is there much
promise but minimal performance?

     4.  Are we performing,  acting-out to impress; or are
we being authentically our own selves,  and owning who  we
really are?

     5.  Can  we  together  learn from our  own  and  each
other's mistakes;  or are we always trying to pretend that
we are the victim of other's mistakes, failures, neglects,
etc?

     6.  Does  either  of us take unfair advantage of  the
other;  or is our relationship naturally balanced and good
natured?

     7.  Do  we  seek to resolve conflicts which do  exist
between us,  our values, our ideals, and our goals;  or do
we try to win out over each other?

     8.  Are  we  moving towards  authentic  openness  and
honesty; or are we developing more and more clever ways of
misleading each other as to who and what we really are?

     9.  Are we trying to figure out who and what to be to
impress each other;  or are we trying to authentically get
to know each other as we really are?

     10. Are  we more concerned with what  "others"   will
think and do, than we are with our own integrity?

     11. Are we  trying to stake a claim to and to possess
and  control each other;   or are we learning to know each
other as  free agents who like to spend time together with
free will, and of free choice?

     12. Can we,   and do we take proper care of ourselves
as  competent  persons;  or do we look upon each other  as
filling  a need in our unhealthy,  unbalanced,   dishonest
needing and caring?

     13. Is  our relationship developing within and  as  a
growing  part  of  a healthy social context;   or  are  we
isolating  ourselves from healthy social contexts  in  the
process of developing our relationship?

     14. Can   we and do we discuss our relationship  with
other  friends  with respect and appropriate  concern  for
privacy  and  confidentiality;  or are we  secretive  with
regard to,  or make unfair use of our relationship in  the
presence of other friends?

     15. Are we  looking  together  towards future  growth
and change from the vantage point of what we have  learned
together in the past; or are we burying ourselves together
in  preoccupations with mistakes,  fault,  guilt,   shame,
regret, etc. which are clinging to the past?

     16. Does  our relationship  work to help us be   more
imaginative, creative, productive, sensitive,  responsive,
responsible,  reliable, etc.;  or does it drain us of time
and  energy  so  that we are  becoming  less  imaginative,
creative,  productive, sensitive, responsive, responsible,
reliable, etc?

     17. Does our relationship work because of who we  are
to  and  with  each  other;   or  because  of  the  props,
possessions,   purchases,   entertainment  and  misleading
activities  with  which we indulge ourselves  individually
and together?

     18. Where  is  our relationship headed;   how  is  it
changing,   what are the long-term prospects  for  health,
happiness and joy within the relationship?

     19. Do  we stay in this relationship because we   can
not  conceive  any other relationship;  or because of  the
many  possible healthy relationship,  we choose to develop
this  relationship  since  it  is  particularly   healthy,
honest, creative and satisfying?

     20. Within  this  relationship do we seek to  be   of
service to others with prudent regard for maintaining  our
integrity   and  and  prudent  regard  for   keeping   our
relationship  healthy;   or  are  we  either   imprudently
generous or selfishly stingy?

     21. Are  we safe within this relationship:    can  we
trust each other with our lives,  for that is what happens
in all healthy intimate relationships;  or are we  playing
dangerous  games of mutual manipulation and coercion which
are  bound  eventually  to  turn  into  extreme  forms  of
psychological and physical violence?

     22. Are  we constantly on the defensive in ways which
tell  us that we are not really secure,  that we  are  NOT
really  safe  to be vulnerable;  for such  safety  is  the
essence of security?  Or, do we freely give each other the
gift  of a context where we are free to be  vulnerable  in
real security?

     23. Is  our  relationship likely to contribute to the
increase of communal integrity and the integrity of  other
individuals?
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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