This is http://www.essayz.com/a8911211.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %FALLING IN LOVE LETTING GO CONTROL DETACH DEPEND 891121 Jack and Jill are falling in love and finding that they oscillate between the satisfactions of fixating upon unhealthy mutual dependence with mutual control; and the satisfactions of being themselves in inter-dependent mutual respect with dialogue which is open and honest. Love is often regarded as having to do with exclusive relationships in which those who are in love are in control of each other; or are trying to develop a pattern of satisfactory mutual control. People who are falling in love are often trying to define what their respective rights are in view of their being in love with each other. People who are not in love do not have as many rights with respect to each other, as do people who are truly in love; or so they think. One of the advantages of letting yourself fall in love is that by letting go of some of your rights to do what you want to do, you gain some rights to make demands upon the one who loves you. If they do not honor those rights, they do not really love you. They prove their love by fulfilling their responsibility to honor your rights in the love relationship. If such honor is not forthcoming, the contract is broken and there is no harmony in the love relationship. To restore harmony the rights must be honored, or so they feel. Authentic love is not a contractual relationship; it is not about entering into, or being within, a relationship of mutual manipulation and control. Authentic love is not about rights acquired by virtue of considerations given in conjunction with agreements made. Falling in love has to do with transcending manipulative relationships; e.g., transcending unhealthy relationships in which control and striving for conformal perfection are respected. Falling in love is the process of letting go of such preoccupations, and discovering the satisfaction of open and honest relationships in which the truth is not manipulated to gain relative advantage over others. Falling in love is detaching from such manipulative preoccupations; and discovering that there are far more satisfactory habits of heart, mind, and spirit than those associated with trying to achieve well defined goals. Falling in love is not a fix for an unsatisfactory self image or life. People who are seeking fixes for an unsatisfactory image and life; are likely to become fixated upon the advantages which they expect to acquire through falling in love. For them, falling in love is a technique to be used to achieve a previously chosen goal. Such people are likely to become fixated upon each other's imperfections, and what each can do to fix the other's imperfections. At the same time they are at another level fixated upon their own imperfections, and upon trying to fix their own imperfections. They tend to be fixated upon ways to fix imperfections through attempts to manipulate and control using technical means and procedures. People who are thus fixated tend to be fixated upon what are perceived as the means for fixing imperfections. The means to fixing imperfections are sought in particular products and services which are for sale for money or some other consideration. If imperfections cannot be fixed, it is regarded as satisfactory to find means for becoming temporarily unaware of the imperfections, or enjoying an altered state of consciousness in which the imperfections are perceived as satisfactory or as matters of little concern. THus addictions proliferate. People who believe that they are falling in love may regard each other as their means to fixing the imperfections which trouble them. They may become addicted to each other in unhealthy ways, and call that addiction by the name of love. They then participate in collusive games of mutual self deception in their futile efforts to fix themselves and each other through efforts to gain control of their unsatisfactory lives. They cannot let go; to be themselves, and to let each other be themselves. Authentic falling in love is a liberating process, not an imprisoning process. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================