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%APPROPRIATE INTIMACY INTEGRITY COERCION LEGALISTIC 890709

     Appropriate  intimacy  is integrative  in  character.
Inappropriate   intimacy   is  loaded  with   threats   of
disintegration   which   rob   the  intimacy   of   secure
satisfaction.

     It  is  difficult  for persons of  unequal  power  to
participate    in    appropriately    intimate    personal
relationships. The possibility of the exercise of power to
coerce  loads the intimacy with threats of alienation.  If
an  invitation to intimacy cannot be freely declined;  due
to  unequal power,  there is great risk that intimacy will
lead to mutual alienation rather than to increased  mutual
understanding.

     Intimacy   exists   within  social   contexts   which
encourage   or  discourage  possibilities  of   it   being
integrative in character.  It is difficult for persons  to
fulfill the integrative possibilities of intimacy if their
social context does not approve of intimacy between  them.
Yet even in such cases intimacy can be integrative;  e.g.,
if  the  social context is collusively dishonest  and  the
intimate  persons through their intimacy are in a  process
of  transcending the collusion through their honesty  with
each other.

     Intimacy cannot be properly controlled by  legalistic
regulations applied in a systematic way,  according to the
rules  of objective logic.  Intimacy does not pertain only
to   objective  relations,   and  cannot  be  meaningfully
controlled  according to objective criteria.  Wisdom calls
for  careful  consideration of all the risks  entailed  in
intimate  relationships;  and even those risks imposed  by
disintegrative collusions should be wisely considered.

     Jack  and Jill who are falling in love may be falling
into  the  pseudo  intimacy  of  an  addictive/codependent
relationship.   In  such  pseudo intimacy there  are  many
attempts  to  control  each other while  appearing  to  be
intimate  with  each  other.  Such relationships  are  not
authentically  intimate because they do not  involve  open
and  honest sharing.  The whole relationship is part of  a
web  of  addictive games of mutual self  deception.   Such
relationships are not integrative in character.

     Conventional  intimacy  which is required  by  social
requirements   may  or  may  not  be  authentic.    Social
conventions  cannot make it be authentic.  Participants in
such  conventional relationships of intimacy may make  the
relationships   authentic  if  there  is   not   excessive
conventional   coercion  present.   If  participants  have
adequate  freedom  and  security given to  them  by  their
community,  they can create authentic intimacy even within
conventional relationships.

     Appropriate  intimacy  is integrative  in  character.
Inappropriate   intimacy   is  loaded  with   threats   of
disintegration   which   rob  the   intimacy   of   secure
satisfaction.

     Collusions   may   define    most intimacy    to   be
inappropriate;   for  in  intimacy the dishonesty  of  the
collusion may be revealed. The coercions of collusions may
create  great threats to appropriate intimacy which  might
help  participants  to  transcend the  collusions  through
honest  personal relationships.  The integrity of intimacy
cannot   properly  be  defined  exclusively  by   communal
considerations,   for  they may be  collusive.   Thus  for
integrity  to be authentic it must entail balance  between
personal and communal considerations.

     Collusions  cannot,   with  integrity,   define  when
intimacy  is appropriate,  and when it is not appropriate;
for  collusions  are  essentially  dishonest  and   cannot
tolerate the honesty of appropriate intimacy.  Addicts and
codependents  are  participants in collusions  and  cannot
understand   the   difference  between   appropriate   and
inappropriate  intimacy.   They  are  confused  by   their
dishonesty.

     When  society  becomes  systemically  addictive   and
systemically  codependent,  it cannot honestly define  the
difference between appropriate and inappropriate intimacy;
for then the society is essentially dishonest in  systemic
ways.    Thus  the  legalisms  of  such  a   society   are
disintegrative, rather than integrative in character.

     Participants  in disintegrative relationships need to
be honest with themselves about their not having the power
within   themselves   to   save  themselves   from   their
disintegration.  They need to be willing to be open to the
power which can save them from their disintegration;   and
be  willing  to accept that power in the Spirit  of  Love.
Through  that acceptance can flow tranquility,  peace  and
integrative processes.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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