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 %PATERNAL LOVE CONFRONT DISHONEST ADDICT DEPENDENT 890412

     The  codependent/paternalistic parent/lover needs  to
confront   addictive/codependent   behavior  in   a   non-
threatening   way   which   helps  the  addict   and   the
codependent/paternalistic  parent/lover to  deal  honestly
with  the natural consequences of continuing the dishonest
interactive pattern of behavior.

     Attempts  to  control the behavior of another  person
will fail.  It makes little difference what the  technique
of attempted control is.  Threats will not truly  control.
Bribes  will not truly control.  Trickery will  not  truly
control.

     Addictive behavior cannot be truly controlled.

     Addictive  behavior  is  dishonest  behavior.     The
dishonesty  needs  to be revealed for what it  is  to  all
concerned,   and dealt with honestly.  The consequences of
the  dishonesty need to be faced honestly by all  who  are
affected by it, and dealt with honestly. The confrontation
of the dishonesty needs to be charitable, not threatening.

     People  can  not be honest when they  can  not  trust
those who seek for them to be honest. Honesty makes people
vulnerable.   People who feel threatened do not feel  that
they  can be vulnerable through honesty;  they do not feel
that they can be honest.  To promote honesty one must give
a sense of security within which honesty is safe.  The key
to helping addicts is giving them a secure context  within
which  they  can  deal honestly with the  consequences  of
their  dishonest behavior patterns.  They need to learn to
enjoy  the  freedom given by security within which  it  is
safe  to  take  honest  risks,  and be  honest  about  the
consequences of the honest risks.

     Dishonestly  rescuing  addicts  from the consequences
of  their  dishonest behavior,   without  confronting  the
addicts'   dishonesty,  only encourages further  dishonest
behavior.   Such  dishonest rescues provides the  kind  of
personal  attention  which  encourages  the  dysfunctional
dishonest behavior. Such encouragement needs to be avoided
if   the   addict  is  to  be  encouraged  to  avoid   the
dysfunctional/dishonest behavior patterns.

     The  process  of  helping addicts  needs  to  include
honesty  about the role which the codependents in the life
of  the  addict have played in encouraging the  addict  to
engage  in  dysfunctional/dishonest  behavior.   Addictive
behavior  does not continue long without the encouragement
of  some  form  of  codependent  behavior  which  is  also
dishonest  about the consequences which it engenders.  The
responsibility for the continuation of addictive  behavior
is  joint,  and discontinuation of addictive  behavior  is
facilitated   by   honesty  about  the   distribution   of
responsibility. The addictive/codependent relationship and
pattern  of  behavior  is  not  maintained  by  individual
efforts;   it is a joint effort,  and changing the pattern
requires honesty about the effect of the joint effort---by
at  least one party to the joint effort.  When  one  party
stops contributing to the joint effort,  the joint  effort
will cease;  the other party will have to find other  ways
of  coping with the new situation created by the cessation
of  the  contributions  by the  party  that  quits  making
contributions to the joint effort.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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