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    %DETACH PATERNALISM CHILD RESCUE DEPEND CONTROL 890225

     Integrative  parenting  leads  children  from   their
initial condition of dependence upon parents, to the power
to live interdependently in an integrative community.

     Addictive and codependent parenting leads children to
depend  upon  parents in rebellious  and/or  paternalistic
ways which lack coherence,  integration, rationality,  and
sense.

     Integrative parenting entails an absence of clutching
attachment.  Mature children do not become clinging  vines
that are attached to their parents in pseudo love or angry
rebellion.   Mature  parents do not become clinging  vines
that  are  attached to their children in  pseudo  love  or
angry resentment. Integrative parenting entails charitable
detachment; not indifference or control.

     Integrative parents are not constantly teaching their
children  that  they will be constantly rescued  from  the
consequences of their imprudent behavior.  Mature children
have  learned  that  they are  likely  to  experience  the
unpleasant   consequences  of  imprudent   decisions   and
actions;   and  so  they seek to  avoid  making  imprudent
decisions and seek to avoid behaving imprudently.

     Parents   who   are  constantly  rescuing   imprudent
children  teach  such  children  that  imprudent  behavior
brings them parental attention and rescue;  signs of  what
appears to be love which is otherwise absent.  The absence
of  authentic  signs of love in the absence  of  imprudent
behavior,   coupled with the presence of apparent signs of
love  in the face of imprudent behavior,  teaches children
to  engage in imprudent behavior;  to become addictive and
codependent.

     Children of paternalistic parents are taught to focus
their attention upon testing their parents'  false love by
engaging  in imprudent patterns of behavior.  Their  focus
becomes a compulsive concern with their parents'   pattern
of  behavior and how parents can be manipulated to  elicit
the signs of parental love which are missed,  but are  not
authentically  known.  Such children learn to focus  their
lives compulsively upon how  others  are reacting to their
imprudent behavior;  a  focus upon behavior which is bound
to be incoherent and beyond any reasonable  understanding.
They  try  to understand and control  irrational  behavior
which  is  itself  a  response  to  their  own  irrational
behavior which is itself beyond reasonable control.   They
are bound to fail in such an impossible task.

     Children need to learn how to stand,  walk and run in
ways  which involve falling and getting hurt.   They  need
encouragement and guidance by which they can learn quickly
from  their mistakes,  and they need honest comfort in the
face of mistakes.  Avoiding all mistakes is not essential.
Learning  from each mistake made,  is essential.  To learn
from  each  mistake  made both  openness  and  honesty  is
essential.  Helpful parenting entails encouraging children
to  be  both open and honest so that they can  learn  from
each mistake made.

     It  is not possible to dishonestly  rescue  dependent
children  from the consequences of their mistakes  without
teaching them to be dishonest,  and secretive about  their
dishonesty.   Such teaching undermines the possibility  of
the  children  learning from each mistake made.   Parental
compensation  for children's mistakes encourages  childish
dependence and leads ultimately to resentment against that
dependence.

     Ultimately  children  and parents must  end  immature
patterns of attachment; i.e., they ultimately must detach.
In  the absence of such detachment they live in the prison
of  their addictive and codependent patterns of  imprudent
behaviors,   and  of reactions to each  other's  imprudent
patterns  of behavior.  Such dishonest dependent  patterns
can  not involve openness and honesty which are  essential
to  learning from each mistake made.  Such patterns entail
alienation and estrangement.

     The  way to charitable detachment is a serene way  in
which serenity makes possible wise behavior.  Serenity  is
sought through prayer in faith,  hope and love which offer
salvation from the habits of the mind and heart which lead
to   imprudent  patterns  of  behavior.   In  prayer   and
meditation   conflicts   among  ideals  and   values   are
discovered  and resolved,  so that recovery of  peace  and
integrity becomes possible.

     Detachment  is the process of reversing  patterns  of
attachment  which  entail  clutching  to  try  to  achieve
security  through  manipulation  and efforts  to  control.
Attachment  behaviors  are attempts  to  achieve  security
through techniques of manipulation and control. Detachment
is  the  process  of  giving up  the  attempt  to  achieve
security through techniques of manipulation and control.

     Security  is  a  gift which is given  freely  and  is
unconditionally accepted on the terms given.  Security  is
not  an  achievement  which is the result of  the  use  of
techniques  of manipulation and control.  Security is  the
freedom  to be open and honest in  intimate  relationships
which  entail  profound meaning and  vulnerability.   Wise
parents freely give security and comfort to their children
so  that  their children can learn from each mistake  that
they make.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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