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  %CONVERSATION AFFIRM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE ATTITUDE 880517

     Personal experiences are  as real as anything is to a
person,   yet  they  are mediated  by  personal attitudes,
assumptions, beliefs, convictions, and patterns of thought
and  feeling.   Personal  experiences  are  not  objective
realities   which  are real apart from  the  persons   who
experience them.

     Personal    experiences     flow    from    objective
realities and from personal attitudes.  Personal attitudes
play  a major  role in what experiences a person has  at a
sophisticated social gathering. Objective realities play a
major role in what experiences a  person  has  when   lost
in  a mountain wilderness.   In  all personal  experiences
both   objective  realities and  personal  attitudes  play
significant roles.

     The integration of  personal  attitudes and objective
realities is facilitated by conversations in which  people
can  compare  their  attitudes  and experiences.   Through
conversations people can transform their attitudes to help
them deal more  creatively  with objective realities which
are not subject  to  their control. Conversations can turn
around people whose attitudes lead  them  in tragic  ways.
Through   conversion  of  tragic  attitudes   people   can
cooperate in creative ways to overcome misleading patterns
of thought and feeling.

     Our  patterns  of  thought  and   feeling  are  often
fundamentally  out   of touch  with  objective    reality.
Our attitudes are often  the  product  of collusive  games
of  mutual   self  deception;   games which  we   play  in
addictive efforts to control  appearances  when  realities
cannot  be controlled satisfactorily.  Too often we become
imprisoned  in  games wherein we try to gain  satisfaction
through  the systematic control of appearances.

Real satisfaction   is  not achieved through gaining
control  of   appearances.    Neither   is   real  control
achieved    through   gaining   systematic   control    of
processes  which  concern people.  Such processes  involve
human behavior.   To gain  satisfaction  through   control
would   entail  gaining satisfaction through  the  control
of human behavior. An attempt to gain satisfaction through
control  of  humans leads to tragedy, not to satisfaction.

     Human meaning and  fulfillment is a  gift received by
people  engaged in honest conversations within cooperative
efforts   to   promote  both   personal    and    communal
integrity.   Such honest conversations are not efforts  to
achieve   control  of  any thing or any  body.   In   such
conversations  participants are  free to be vulnerable  in
intimate  relationships  which grow  in  secure   contexts
for   honesty  and   openness.     Growing  and  nurturing
intimacy  in such secure contexts is the essence of  being
personally faithful to each other.

People    who    are    faithful    in    personally
meaningful  relationships  are  faithful to each other  as
unique  persons,    not  to  standard  dogma,   doctrines,
rituals,    and  conventions.   In intimate  conversations
faithful     people     learn     about     each   others'
experiences,   attitudes  and  how  to   relate creatively
to   realities  over  which   there cannot   be systematic
control.     Being   faithful  does   not  mean  being  in
systematic control of behavior;   it  involves being  open
and honest  in conversations  which  reveal    and realize
personal potentials,      making them real in  ways  which
had not  been expected, intended, or planned.

     Systematic control entails fulfilling a predetermined
plan.    The person who draws up the plan is in control of
the final result when systematic  control  is  successful.
The people who are  controlled  do  not help determine the
outcome  of  the  plan when someone is  in  control.    To
thoughtlessly respect  systematic  control  of  people  is
to   lay   the  foundation  for   the  disintegration   of
healthy  personal relationships.    In  healthy   personal
relationships   all participants contribute  significantly
to  the evolution of the  relationships.   The   evolution
of     healthy     personal   relationships     are    not
systematically controlled by any of the   participants nor
by  any of their systems.    None of  the participants nor
any   of  their  systems    are   granted    that   power.
Healthy  people do not  yield   to   systematic control.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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