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   %WILLING ATTITUDE AND RELATIONSHIP PARTICIPATION 880322

     The characteristics of  personal relationships depend
profoundly  upon the attitudes of the participants in  the
relationships  and upon how willingly they participate  in
the relationships.

     Some  people  are trapped in relationships  in  which
they   did   not   actively  seek  to   be   participants.
Circumstances   cast  them  into  the  role  of  unwilling
participants in the relationships.   They may not perceive
any   alternative   to   being  a   participant   in   the
relationships,   and so they  can   not  conceive  of  the
possibility    of   not   being   participants   in    the
relationships.  It is not helpful to ask them if they wish
to be participants, because  they know of  no alternative.
Even  so,  such relationships may have cast over them  the
shadow  of a lack of enthusiasm and  a lack of  a  willing
entry into  the  relationship through authentic desire and
free choice from among alternatives.

     Some   people   continue   to  be   participants   in
relationships  which  they  initiated, or  freely chose to
enter  into---but  which  have  since   become imprisoning
relationships  involving coercion,  control, manipulation,
violence,  addiction, collusions, etc.   They may  not  be
clear about their participation and be very confused about
the  disintegration  of  the  relationship  and  of  their
personality and character.   They may not really  want  to
escape the relationship;  and in  fact  may be addicted to
the  relationship,  but it is for them a prison in   which
they  participate  with  less  than  authentic enthusiasm.
Such   entrapment  in  a  relationship  casts   over   the
participants the shadow of death.

     The  quality  of  a  relationship  depends  upon  the
authenticity  and  spontaneity  of  the  desires  of   the
participants.  Their interest and ability to contribute to
the  growth  of the relationship is  not  defined  by  the
attributes  of  the participants,  what they own,  or  how
interested the participants are in each other's attributes
and possessions.  The quality of a relationship relates to
the  quality  of   the   dialogue  (two-way)   between the
communicating  participants,  and  to the  quality  of the
communal support for the relationship.

     Attempts   to   control  the  quality   of   personal
relationships  tend  to lead to the disintegration of  the
quality of the relationships.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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