This-essay is a7802141.htm which is available at the web-site www.essayz.com. See more notes at the bottom. Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay By-Months By-Years By-Words Webs of Like-&-Un-Like ESSAYS <==> Like-&-UN-Like This-One ========================================================== %SECRET FAVORS 780214 Secret favors are acts of love when the participants are in-touch with each other; they may be perverse acts if the participants are out-of-touch. Unsolicited help may be unwelcome help if there is no integrity in the participants' conceptions of what is helpful. If the participants' in the favors are out-of-touch the decisions to "grant" the favors may be unilateral decisions in the pattern of paternalism. Insensitive unilateral doing of favors may be motivated by a desire to be appreciated--- and all possible benefits be undermined by a secret expectation of appreciation for unilateral being "helpful". Unilateral decision-making leads to inappropriate favors which are more likely to be resented than appreciated. The perversion is compounded if the "favors" are unwelcomed and the giver is expecting expressions of appreciation for such "secret" favors. The participants are likely to drift further out-of-touch over such "favors". Secret favors are often the burden of secret martyrs who make sacrifices which no one has asked for and no one appreciates. Secret martyrs are often serving their own needs much more than they are serving the needs of others --- they being out-of-touch with others' needs do not know how to serve them. Secret martyrs need to learn how to be in touch with others so that appreciation can be mutual, rather than one-way creating a "balance-of-trade" deficit which generates resentment. Love involves dialogue, not just unselfish giving. Dialogue is two-way and mutually self-revealing. Love is not only giving, it is giving and receiving. It is just as important to receive in a loving way as to give in a loving way. It is just as important to ask for love as to give love. Dealing in secret favors tends to by-pass the dynamic process of asking and receiving in love. Dealing in secret favors tends to be a unilateral process which undermines dialogue. The secret of secret-favors may be motivated by a false modesty which blocks essential communication; the dialogue of love. Modesty is not the same as secrecy. Love which is imprisoned by false modesty cannot prompt the dialogue which is the essence of love. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in www.essayz.com Search for Integrity and Honesty (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================
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