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                                   %NON-VERBAL VOWS 770328

     In the course of intimate human relationships  people
exchange  many  non-verbal  vows.   Understandings develop
about privacy and future behavior.   These  understandings
are  arrived at without explicit statements in words,  yet
they often are more binding upon the participants than are
promises and vows which      are explicitly made in words,
spoken and/or written.

     When  non-verbal  vows  are NOT congruent  with  each
other grave troubles follow.  Participants in an  intimate
sexual   relationship   may  not  share  the          same
understanding of  the meaning of the  relationship.  While
one  may  feel      that vows  of exclusive fidelity  have
been  exchanged,  the other may have no such impression or
intention.    One  may  interpret  fidelity  in  terms  of
exclusive rights to physical intimacy, while the other may
interpret fidelity in terms of continually seeking greater
mutual   awareness  and   mutual   understanding   through
deepening honest intimacy.  When there is a serious danger
of  harm because of a lack of congruence in  understanding
non-verbal vows --- the participants may helpfully seek to
confirm    their   non-verbal   vows   through    parallel
communications. Behaviors based upon  the  assumption that
the non-verbal vows are exclusively real, may make evident
whether  or  not they are real.    Even  so there  may  be
instances  in which  verbal confirmation will be  helpful,
although  not  a  substitute  for verbal vows alone.    To
insist that all vows be reduced to verbal form,  is likely
to be destructive.  There are some aspects of vital living
which can not be reduced to verbal form.

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