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                          %EXTRAMARITAL FRIENDSHIPS 761203

     Extramarital    friendships   maybe   homosexual   or
heterosexual relationships.  The degree of sexual intimacy
involved  is  related  to the degree of  intimacy  in  the
friendship.  A decision to totally exclude sexual intimacy
from  the friendship inevitably blocks the fulfillment  of
potential  aspects of the friendship which involve various
degrees   of  sexuality.    A   decision  to  avoid  self-
revelations  about sexual desires,  and thus honesty about
such  desires,   is likely to inhibit honesty about  other
aspects  of  self.   Thus a fear  of  extramarital  sexual
relationships    is   likely   to   inhibit   extramarital
friendships  and  so imprison those suffering  such  fear.
That  imprisonment  is likely to lead  to  resentment  and
sexual  frustrations  which  will in turn lead  to  sexual
violence.    Ways need to be found to avoid such a turn of
events.    This will be impossible so long as the fear  of
extramarital  friendships is regarded by most as a  useful
means to promoting responsible and healthy behavior.  When
fear  is regarded as useful for any purpose,  the  purpose
should be questioned,  as well as the method of seeking to
fulfill  that  purpose.    Fear  inhibits   communication.
Maintaining  open  channels of communication  should  take
precedence over all other values,  for God is Love.   Love
casts out fear, and opens channels of communication,  thus
reducing sin.

     Extramarital   friendships   may  enrich   marriages,
provided that they do not take excessive amounts of  time,
energy,  money,  attention,  etc.   The danger is that the
extramarital  friendship  may require the  expenditure  of
scarce   resources   needed   to   build   the   marriage.
Maintaining   the   balance  between   totally   excluding
extramarital friendships,  and  tolerating  one excludes a
spouse  is possible only under the guidance of  true  love
all   the  way  around.    This  will  inevitably  involve
ambiguity  and  suffering.    Such is the nature  of  real
living.  To avoid such ambiguity and suffering completely,
one must die a spiritual and/or a physical death.  What is
needed  is wisdom in coping;  via role-models who are  the
incarnation   of   such  wisdom.    Such  wisdom  is   not
transmitted  via  the printed page as effectively  as  via
role-models  who  are open to those about  them.    Hidden
role-models  are not helpful role-models.    The  openness
required for such role-models to be helpful is an openness
which  will  come  to a sexually  repressed  society  only
slowly.  To minimize sexual violence, it must come.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
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