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  %BEGIN DEVELOP HEALTHY FRIEND INTIMACY SEX RELATE+951209
 %OPEN HONEST INTEGRATIVE PARADIGM TRANSCEND ESCAPE 951209

     All close and healthy friendships,  intimacy,  trust,
honesty  and  sexuality  develop within  the  contexts  of
present and/or past communal settings.  The course of such
developments depend profoundly  upon the communal settings
of  the participants,  and upon the creative abilities  of
the  participants  to  build  upon  and  transcend   their
communal settings.

     Some  communal  settings  are  stable,   healthy  and
integrative;  others are not.  Some people who are seeking
to develop close and healthy friendships, intimacy, trust,
honesty and sexuality have and share creative abilities to
build upon and  transcend  their communal settings; others
do not.   In each instance it is helpful for  participants
to learn to recognize, name, describe and talk about their
respective communal settings (past and present)  and their
respective creative abilities  to share,  build  upon  and
transcend their communal settings.

     Some   communal  settings  inhibit  open  and  honest
dialogue   because   there   is  severe   emphasis   upon:
prescriptions, proscriptions,   inhibitions,  systematics,
laws,    rules,  regulations,  commandments,   discipline,
obedience,         judgementalism,          condemnations,
excommunications,   etc.    They may be sincere efforts to
avoid disintegrative consequences  of imprudent  behavior.
On the  other  hand, they may  be  the  bitter  fruits  of
collusive games of mutual  self-deception,  addictions and
codependent  support thereof.   It is usually not easy  to
tell the difference  between  truly  sincere  efforts  and
deceptively  misleading efforts.

     The  development  of close and  healthy  friendships,
intimacy, trust,   honesty and sexuality often entails the
transcendence of the perversions of deceptively misleading
efforts to  avoid disintegrative consequences of imprudent
behaviors.  We need to work on ways to make clear what are
the   differences   between  truly  sincere  efforts   and
deceptively misleading efforts.   People who are sincerely
working  upon  developing  close  and healthy friendships,
intimacy,  trust,  honesty  and  sexuality --- need  to be
protected  by  their communities against  the  deceptively
misleading efforts  of  many  people to manage and control
lives in tragic ways.

     Tragedies are not the result of deliberate efforts to
create  them.    Tragedies are the result  of  deceptively
misleading efforts to prevent and avoid them.    It is not
enough to want to prevent and avoid tragedies ---  and  to
have many tools and much power to make use  of  in efforts
to  prevent  and avoid tragedies.    It is essential  that
there  be  some profound understanding of  the  nature  of
tragedies  and  of the development  of  close and  healthy
friendships, intimacy, trust,  honesty and sexuality which
promote  both  personal and communal integrity.    In  the
absence of such profound understanding  there are bound to
be many occasions  of misleading efforts by many people to
manage and control lives in tragic ways.

     People   who   are   trapped  within   relationships,
organizations,   institutions,  professions,   businesses,
churches, religions and communities which are dominated by
misleading  efforts---are bound to  find  it difficult  to
extricate themselves from their trap unless:

     1.  They come to understand that they are trapped.

     2.  The  have  some  understanding of  how  they  got
trapped.

     3.  The  gains  some insight into the nature  of  the
trap.

     4.  They want to escape their trap and seek help.

     5.  They  start  to understand what it takes  to  get
out.

     6.  They  make  persistent  efforts to  escape  their
trap.

     It is important  to  recognize  that highly respected
relationships, organizations,  institutions,  professions,
businesses, churches, religions and communities play major
roles in  keeping  people trapped in misleading efforts to
manage  and  control  lives in tragic ways which  lead  to
personal  and  communal  disintegration.    Without   such
recognition escape from such traps are unlikely to occur.

     We  may  readily recognize traps because within  them
there are preoccupations with much to which the  following
words on the left point---distracting attention  away from
what words on the right point to.

APPEARANCES   CONTROL      |   HONESTY      DIALOGUE

CONFORMITY    PROPRIETY    |   OPENNESS     RESPONSIVENESS

DISCIPLINE    OBEDIENCE    |   INTEGRITY    HEALTH

AGREEMENT     CONSENSUS    |   INTIMACY     FRIENDSHIP

ORGANIZATION  PLANNING     |   SPONTANEITY  CREATIVITY

SYSTEMATICS   TECHNOLOGY   |   FORGIVENESS  RECONCILIATION

LOYALTY       DEDICATION   |   LIBERATION   REVELATIONS

COMMITMENTS   CONTRACTS    |   GENTLENESS   KINDNESS

APPEARANCES   STANDARDS    |   LEARNING     GROWING

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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