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   %DEPENDENT BOUND PARENT NEED DEPEND ADDICT ADULT 930503

     The  healthy  parent nurtures the dependent child  to
grow   up   and   be    competently   interdependent    in
cooperation  with other people who are open,   honest, and
integrative  within healthy  integrative   communities  of
parents,  adults  and children.   The  healthy  parent  is
present when the dependent child is in need of the healthy
parent.

     The  healthy  adult  teaches the dependent  child  to
deal  prudently  and  competently  with   problems   which
require understanding, knowledge, and skill to solve.  The
healthy  adult  teaches  the  dependent  child  to   avoid
excessive risks  and to take necessary risks.  The healthy
adult  is present when the dependent child is in  need  of
the healthy adult.

     The  addictive unhealthy parent nurtures the  fear of
the   dependent  child  who  fears   abandonment  by   the
unreliable parent---who   is  often  not  there  when  the
parent's  presence,   guidance,   nurture,    support  and
affection   are  needed.    By  nurturing  the   fear   of
abandonment,      the  unhealthy  parent   increases   the
unhealthy  dependence  of  the dependent  child  upon  the
unhealthy  parent;    and  thereby  the  unhealthy  parent
bolsters   the   dependent   parental   self   esteem   by
increasingly  feeling more needed by the dependent  child.
By  making the dependent child more insecure and unsure of
self  and  others,    the unhealthy  parent  prepares  the
dependent  child   to grow  up to  be  another   dependent
unhealthy  parent.   The dependent unhealthy  parent  asks
the dependent child to nurture the dependent parent;   but
the  dependent child cannot meet  the  dependent  parent's
needs.

     Thy   tragic  cycle  of  the  dependent  parent   and
dependent  child  engendering   each  other  is  sometimes
broken  with  the  help of healthy  adults,   parents  and
children  who are there when the dependent adults  parents
and  children seek the  insights,  nurture,     affection,
acceptance,    knowledge,   wisdom, guidance,  and support
which are needed to break the cycle.

     The dependent  parent  and dependent child  need  the
help    of   healthy      integrative      adults      who
understand    the  disintegrative dynamics   of  unhealthy
families   in  which absent parents and absent adults  are
not emotionally there to nurture,   guide and instruct the
dependent child in times of need.

     The fear of  parental  abandonment  of  the dependent
chid  grows  into  the grown-up-fears   of:     rejection,
excommunication,          disfellowship,         shunning,
alienation,  criticism,      disapproval,       judgement,
punishment,  imperfection,  mistakes, errors,  flaws,  and
second  best.  The  immature  child  does  not  know   how
to   make   wise  distinctions  among  all  such   fearful
possibilities;    and so records emotion   laden  confused
messages which endure  in the  subconscious  of the future
adult child;  who  as  an adult  is unlikely to be able to
return   and nurture  the abandoned  child who  gave  them
birth---for there  is  no present role model to lead  them
in such nurturing.

     Legalists  and  moralizers do not offer any insights,
support,  or way in which to deal wisely with  the  tragic
cycle  of  dependent parent and dependent child.   Passing
judgment  upon them helps no one.  The perfection of legal
and  moral  codes  does   not   lead   to   personal   and
communal    integrity.  Excommunications  do not  overcome
evil.     Heightening self righteousness improves no  one.
Attempts  to control foolish behaviors  do  not   succeed.
Attempts   to    eliminate   evil  behaviors    lead    to
increased   alienation   which   is  the essence  of  evil
relationships.

     The  tragic  cycle  can be broken  only  by  shifting
attention  away from the  compulsive foci of attention  of
dependent  parents,   dependent children;  absent parents,
adults, addicts,  codependents,   and leaders of collusive
games of mutual self deception.

     Trying  to  improve  the kind and amount of attention
given to compulsive  foci  of  attention  will not promote
healing.   Seeking  to be more faithful to the ideals  and
values which have   lead  people  into   their  tragically
alienative relationships will not promote healing. It will
not  help  to  seek more  sophisticated  technologies  and
powerful resources to use in serving the ideals and values
which have lead people  into  their  tragically alienative
relationships.   Fundamentalists  do  not  help  by  their
efforts to more clearly distinguish themselves from  those
people whom they perceive to be their enemies, as inferior
to them, and so as expendable.

     Only by  shifting attention away from the  compulsive
foci  of  attention  of  dependent  parents,     dependent
children,   absent adults,   addicts,  codependents,   and
leaders of collusive games  of  mutual  self deception can
the tragic  cycle be broken.

     The  healthy  parent nurtures the dependent child  to
grow   up   and   be    competently   interdependent    in
cooperation  with other people who are open,   honest, and
integrative  within healthy  integrative   communities  of
parents,   adults  and children.   The  healthy  parent is
present  when  the   dependent  child is in  need  of  the
healthy parent.

     The  healthy  adult  teaches the dependent  child  to
deal  prudently  and  competently  with   problems   which
require understanding,  knowledge, and skill to solve. The
healthy  adult  teaches  the  dependent  child  to   avoid
excessive  risks  and to  take  necessary   risks.     The
healthy  adult   is  truly present   when   the  dependent
child is in need  of  the  healthy adult.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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