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  %REFLEXIVE KNOWLEDGE CONFLICT RESOLUTION VIOLENCE+930416
 %ESSENCE OBJECTIVE RELATE PERSON REFLEXIVE CONTROL+930416
 %HIDDEN TABOO TRUTH EXPERIENCE KNOWLEDGE AFFECTION+930416
%REJECT INSECURE DEFENSE ADDICT CODEPENDENT COLLUDE 930416

     In   a  community  where  people  are   conditionally
accepted  and  commonly rejected there is a great deal  of
manipulation of people's self esteem.  In such a community
people's self esteem  is  commonly wounded by self-esteem-
violence  and many people  are  seeking to get their  self
esteem fixed, repaired, made whole, healed, etc. In such a
community it is difficult to  promote health because there
is much confusion  about  how to fix all that  is "wrong".
Many  efforts  to fix what is "wrong"  are  motivated  and
guided by  disintegrative  ideals  and  values  which  are
themselves grounded in what is "wrong"  in the  community.
Thus  addicts  and codependents seek to get their  "fixes"
from  each other,  and from the use and abuse of  alcohol,
drugs,  work,  sex, and through other compulsive fixations
upon  manipulative  fixes.  Their efforts to fix  what  is
"wrong"   with  them are motivated  and  guided  by  their
addictive,  codependent and collusive games of mutual self
deception.
     The efforts  do not lead to satisfaction, meaning, or
conflict resolution.

     Members of a community need to seek and discover  the
roots   of  personal  and  communal  integrity  in  honest
relationships;  in  being true to themselves and  to  each
other.   Searching  for fixes to wounded  self  esteem  in
dishonest relationships  with addicts,   codependents  and
players of  collusive  games of mutual self deception is a
futile  search.   Such  people cannot  fix  anything  with
integrity; for they disintegrate anything that they try to
fix in keeping with their ideals, values,  attitudes,  and
confusions.   Acceptance by them is part of a manipulative
game  and they cannot be trusted to be true to  themselves
or to others.

     A healthy self esteem is not based  upon  conditional
acceptance  which depends upon  achievements,  conformity,
perfection, or other signs of merit. A healthy self esteem
is rooted  in the balanced personal and communal integrity
of   a  community  wherein  gifts  of  true  security  are
regularly offered  and  accepted  within  the  context  of
mutual vulnerability,  trust,  and acceptance.  A  healthy
self esteem  is  not  achieved in a competitive way  among
people who are seeking reasons for  rejecting  all but the
very  best  contestants.   A   healthy self esteem is  not
achieved on battle-fields  where  self-esteem is regularly
violated, undercut and wounded.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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