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   %HIDE CRACK BREAK FIX RELATION COLLUDE DECEPTION 930110

     When  a  child breaks a cherished toy it is hard  for
the child not to pretend that the break has not  occurred;
and  to  try to fix the break by pretending that the break
is not there. The broken pieces may be held together so as
to  try  to hide the cracks.  This may be the  prelude  to
honestly  working  to fix the breaks.  It may also be  the
prelude to dishonestly trying to deal with breaks  through
extended pretense.

     How  children learn to deal with broken toys sets the
stage for how adults deal with broken relationships. Do we
try  to pretend that the breaks in our  relationships have
not occurred? Do we try to fix our broken relationships by
pretending that the  breaks  in  our relationships are not
there?   Do  we try to  hold  the  pieces  of  our  broken
relationships together artificially to hide  the cracks in
our relationships?  Are such efforts the prelude to honest
conflict resolution; or the prelude to perpetually playing
collusive games of mutual self deception?

     When  we  tolerate extended patterns of pretense  and
deception which we use in futile efforts to fix our broken
relationships---then we  are making  a  far  more  serious
mistake than is the child who is holding the broken pieces
of a toy together, and trying  to  pretend that the cracks
are  not there.  Our mistake is a meta-mistake;  a   meta-
pretense.

     Mistakes  which falsely try to cover up  mistakes are
far  more  serious  meta-mistakes than   simple   original
mistakes. Our mistake patterns becomes far more serious by
layers  as  additional  meta-mistakes are made to  try  to
cover up our previous meta-mistakes.

     A collusion  is like  the  layers of an onion;   each
layer  being  a  meta-mistake trying to hide  those  meta-
mistakes  which are  inside.   At the  center  of  all the
dishonest layers may be a tiny original mistake  which  of
itself was not really serious.   The REAL COLOSSAL MISTAKE
is  to cooperate  with each other in  pretending that  the
layers of deception do not exist!  We can be so successful
in  such  an  effort that we may all  think  that  we  are
sincere and being totally honest!

     Dishonesty comes in layers.   The hardest  layers  to
crack  are  the outside layers which hide inside layers of
dishonesty.   As  we learn to add new improved  layers  of
dishonesty to  hide the earlier crude forms of  dishonesty
we  become skilled in making the layers of dishonesty look
appealing.   It is exceedingly dangerous to  tolerate  the
beginning  of the pattern of hiding dishonesty through the
use of dishonesty as a manipulative tool.

     Some forms of tolerance are integrative and worthy of
respect.   Not all forms of tolerance are integrative  and
worthy  of respect.  We need to know how to recognize  the
differences   between   integrative   and   disintegrative
tolerance.    Tolerating  dishonesty  is   almost   always
disintegrative.   The dilemma is how to be  intolerant  of
dishonesty   in  a  manner  which  is  not   itself   more
disintegrative than quite tolerance would be.

     We  do  not need to pretend that we do not  recognize
deception  for what it is.  We do not need to be quite  in
the  face  of  people making the  meta-mistake  of  hiding
dishonesty with layers of additional dishonesty.   Neither
do  we  need to make a big scene about our recognition  of
what  is being done.  It is enough to quietly  give  tacit
signals  that  the  deception  is not  passing  unnoticed;
perhaps expressing disappointment in what is noticed.

     Our  broken  relationships will not  mend  unless  we
learn to cooperate in open and honest conflict resolution.
Our broken relationships usually have to do with conflicts
between/among our ideals,  values and goals. It is a meta-
mistake  to  try to  pretend  that there are no  conflicts
between/among our ideals, values and goals.  The conflicts
between/among  us as persons in our  broken  relationships
are but manifestations  of the conflicts between/among our
highest ideals,  values and goals. It is usually dishonest
to pretend that we  all have  the same ideals,  values and
goals.   That  kind  of  dishonesty  sets  the  stage  for
additional layers of  meta-dishonesty  which both generate
our  broken  relationships and seek to hide the breaks  in
our broken relationships.

     We  need to honestly mourn our  broken  relationships
and  then  cooperate in resolving the conflicts among  our
high  ideals,   values and goals.  It is not enough to  be
dedicated to our highest ideals, values and goals. We need
also to understand our neighbors'  highest  ideals, values
and goals;   and to work with our neighbors in cooperative
efforts to fulfill complementary  sets  of ideals,  values
and goals. If we do not cooperate in such ventures we will
all disintegrate in our alienative ventures.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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