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    %CONFLICT RESOLUTION CLARIFICATION STEPS HONEST 921021

     It is important to recognize the nature of the  steps
which we must take to resolve our conflicts.

     1.  First   we   must  acknowledge  that  there   are
conflicts in our lives which are in need of resolution. If
we  pretend that our lives are free of conflict,  we  then
cannot  take the steps necessary to resolve the  conflicts
which we say do not exist.

     2.  If  we pretend that through dominance,   coercion
and attempts to be in control we can resolve our conflicts
at the expense of other people, then we cannot resolve our
conflicts;   for our conflicts are also the  conflicts  of
other  people.   If  they and we try to resolve  our joint
conflicts  through mutual efforts at dominance,   coercion
and  trying  to  be  in control---then we  perpetuate  our
conflicts  as  violent contests and battles to be won  and
lost;  and perhaps as wars with all the destruction  which
they bring.

     3.  We  can resolve our mutual conflicts only  if  we
and  others  mutually decide to deal openly  and  honestly
with  our conflicts---to truly resolve them to our  mutual
satisfaction.   We must together decide not to deny  them,
not to try to win at each other's expense, not to run from
our conflicts,  not to hide, not to confuse or repress our
awareness of our mutual conflicts.  Only then can we  work
together to find  mutual  satisfaction  in  resolving  our
mutual conflicts.

     4.  When  we are ready to work together in  resolving
our  conflicts  we must clarify the nature of  our  mutual
conflicts.   If  we  are confused about our  conflicts  we
cannot  work  together in resolving  them  to  our  mutual
satisfaction.   If  we  are  ignorant of how  each  of  us
perceives  our  conflicts,   we  cannot  work  for  mutual
satisfaction  in the resolution of our conflicts;  for  we
must   know  and  agree  upon  what  will   bring   mutual
satisfaction,  in order to be able  to cooperate in  doing
what needs to be done to  reach  a  resolution  which will
offer mutual satisfaction.

     5.  To clarify our conflicts we need to increase  our
mutual awareness of the roots of our conflicts in our past
lives with regards to:

    a.  Dysfunctional families of origin and
     traumatic childhood experiences.

    b.  Unarticulated and/or poorly articulated
     ideals, values, goals, and ultimate concerns.

    c.  Traditional patterns of dysfunctional
     relationships between individuals and groups---which
     entail violence, injustice, coercion, discrimination,
     domination, and turf wars.

    d.  Patterns of resentment, grudges, and desires
     for revenge as a crude form of justice.

    e.  Patterns of envy, competition, desires,
     needs and privileges which are not dealt with
     honestly.

    f.  Dilemmas pertaining to limited natural
     resources  and  limited human powers/abilities;   and
pertaining to
     visions which in the nature of things cannot be
     fulfilled.

    g.  The reality of tragedies which persist even
     in the face of our best human efforts.

    h.  The realities of addictions, collusions and
     codependent traps which imprison us in ways which we
     cannot recognize.

     6.  We need to develop a communal consensus as to
     what are the appropriate ways to cooperate in
     resolving our conflicts; consensuses which involve in
     meaningful ways the active participants in the
     immediate conflicts, the concerned bystanders who are
     affected by the continuing conflicts, and
     civil/religious authorities who play roles in
     creating the contexts within which the conflicts
     persist.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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