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%OFFENSE DEFENSE ENERGY TIME ATTEND HONEST DIALOGUE 921020

     The  more offensive other people are toward us,   the
more  defensive we tend to be.  The more defensive we tend
to be, the more offensive they perceive us to be. The more
offensive they perceive us to be,  the more defensive they
are.   The more defensive they are,  the more offensive we
perceive them to be.  The more offensive we perceive other
people to be toward us, the more defensive we tend to  be;
and the cycle of offense and defense goes round and round.

     The  more  time,   energy,  and  attention  which  we
squander  upon  being defensive and offensive;   the  less
time, energy, and attention there is left for us to devote
to  being  ourselves  with each other in open  and  honest
dialogue---and the less inclination thereto.

     The  more offensive other people are toward  us,  the
less inclined we are to be ourselves with them in open and
honest dialogue;  instead we are inclined to be  defensive
in  futile  efforts to feel secure in the absence  of  any
gifts of security from them.

     The  more we try to compensate for others' not giving
us unconditional  gifts  of  security  (by  being futilely
defensive);  the more they are offended by our  attitudes,
assumptions,   and defensive behavior patterns.  They  are
insulted  by our insecurity and secretive ways,  and learn
not  to  trust  us.   They  become  less  inclined  to  be
themselves  with us in open and honest dialogue;  and  are
instead inclined to be defensive toward us in the  absence
of any gifts of security from us.

     Being defensive in the absence of gifts of  security,
does not achieve security. Being defensive in the presence
of  offensive  behavior, does  not  mitigate the offensive
behavior.   Trying  to  require  each  other  to  mitigate
offensive and defensive behavior,  does not  lead to  less
offensive and defensive behavior;  because our failures to
succeed  in  the effort are perceived by  each  other   as
offenses which call  for self-righteous  judgments---which
lead to further excommunication and alienation.

     Efforts   to  manipulate  and  control  each  other's
behaviors lead to offenses---which elicit defenses---which
are perceived  as  offenses---which  are  used  to justify
alienative judgments and  distrust.    We  need instead to
focus our attention on steps we can  take---by  which   to
elicit  and  justify  each   other's   trust,  relaxation,
recreation, and interest in open and honest dialogue about
differing/contrasting/complementary  forms of communal and
personal  integrity  which  we may learn  to  respect  and
appreciate.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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