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   %UNJUST STEPS FRIENDSHIP INTIMACY LOVE SEX ABUSE 910407

     It  is not possible to define  unhealthy sexuality in
terms of rules and regulations which are controlled by one
class  of    people,     who  do  not  share   power    in
intimate   relationships     of   mutual    vulnerability.
Central    to  unhealthy  sexuality  is  the  exercise  of
unbalanced     and   unshared    power     in     intimate
relationships,      thus    those  people   who   exercise
unbalanced  and unshared power  cannot  properly    define
the    difference    between   healthy     and   unhealthy
sexuality for themselves, or for others.

     It   is   not   possible  to  define   properly   the
difference  between healthy and unhealthy sexuality in the
absence   of  honest      acknowledgement     of     human
limitations,  impossibilities, inadequacies, imperfections
and   mistakes.    Central   to  unhealthy  sexuality   is
dishonesty;  thus those people  who  are participating  in
dishonest   addictions,  codependencies   and    collusive
games  of  mutual   self deception  cannot properly define
the   difference  between healthy  and unhealthy sexuality
for themselves,   or  for others.      It   follows   that
people    who   do    not understand/acknowledge their own
inevitable involvement in addictions,   codependencies and
collusive games of  mutual self deception,  are people who
cannot properly define the difference  between healthy and
unhealthy  sexuality.   Such people are likely to  try  to
avoid  all  vulnerability (which which is central  to  all
healthy sexuality)   and so  regard all healthy  sexuality
as unhealthy.

     People engage in  improper  definitions  of unhealthy
and/or  healthy  sexuality when they have the power to  do
so---to take advantage of those who lack power,   and when
by   doing  so   they   move  to  conceal  some  form   of
dishonesty;       e.g.,    dishonesty      about     human
limitations,          impossibilities,       inadequacies,
imperfections and mistakes.

     It   is  risky  for people who  do  not  share  power
equally   to  take  steps into  intimate  friendships  and
sexuality, for it  is   dishonest to assume that they have
the power to  avoid  personal    mistakes   and  transcend
human   limitations,  impossibilities,    inadequacies and
imperfections   through  intimacy.    Transcendence   must
entail  the  acknowledgment of inequalities  of power  and
the   sharing   of   power;     and    so   where     such
acknowledgment   and/or  sharing   is   not possible/real,
transcendence  through the development  of true and honest
intimacy  is  not  possible.    To  pretend  that  it   is
otherwise  is dangerous for all who are involved  in  such
pretense either directly or indirectly.

     It  is  not   possible  for  people   of   one  class
(however defined)    to properly define  healthy/unhealthy
sexuality  for   members   of   another   class  in    the
absence   of   the participation  of  the members  of  the
other  class   in  the exercise of power in  balanced  and
just ways in making such definitions.  Health and  disease
have to do with the proper exercise (or not)   of power in
balanced  and  just ways.   In the  absence of the  proper
exercise   of   power    in   balanced  ways    there   is
disintegration,    both  of health and of  the ability  to
define  health  properly.    The loss of  balance  in  the
exercise   of   power   leads to the  lose   of   honesty,
propriety,  integrity and health.  The pretense that it is
otherwise  is part of the process of disintegration  which
flows from the loss of balance in the exercise of power.

     Considerations of and  open and  honest discussion of
these  facts   of  life will be  displeasing  to  powerful
people   who  have   found   it   to  their  advantage  to
exercise   power  in unbalanced ways,   for it seems to be
to  their advantage to hide  these  disturbing   facts  of
life  through  dishonest games  of  mutual self deception.
Yet is is not to  their advantage;   for they disintegrate
to  the extent that they hide these facts of life  through
dishonest games of mutual self   deception.    It  is  not
to  their  advantage   to disintegrate.

     It is  to  the  advantage of all  people,   both  the
powerful an  the  less  powerful,   to engage in  open and
honest   dialogue  and  consideration  of these  facts  of
life;   for  thereby health  and integrity may  really  be
approached honestly  in  reality,   not  merely apparently
through  dishonesty  in   the fantasy  land   of  confused
dreams  and visions  of  powerful people  who  are out  of
honest touch with  themselves  and each other.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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