This is http://www.essayz.com/a9103032.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %EXPERIENCE EXPERIMENT ADDICT CONTROL SEX MORAL 910303 Healthy people often try experiments to see if a particular way of trying to achieve some goal will work. If it does not work the first time they may try some variation on the procedure to see if a variation of the original way of trying to achieve the goal will work. They are not likely to try the same procedure over and over without variation, because that is likely to produce the same unsatisfactory result as previously. Healthy people will be honest about past experience, and make some change in the face of failure. The unhealthy alcoholic and drug addict have tried many times to resolve their problems by the abuse of alcohol or abuse of some drug. They keep trying over and over with minor variations having to do with the time of day, the brand of drug, the mixture of ingredients, and other ritualistic variations; and never resolve their problems, just desensitizing themselves to their problems for short periods of time---feeling good for a while, only to wake up later feeling much worse. The unhealthy alcoholic and drug addict will not be honest about past experience, and will not make any significant change in the face of repeated failure. Unhealthy codependents have tried many times to solve the problems of an dishonest alcoholic or drug addict. They keep trying over and over to solve dishonest person's problems; with minor variations having to do with the content of sermons, pleas, bribes, punishments, threats, rescues and promises; and never solve for their dishonest loved one the problems which belong to the dishonest loved one. The unhealthy codependent will not be honest about past experience, and will not make any significant change in the face of repeated failure. For many generations well-intended people have tried to solve the many problems associated with unhealthy sexual behavior by devising direct and indirect ways to attempt to control other people's sexual desires, thoughts, anticipations, expectations, intentions, plans, and behaviors. Such efforts to achieve control have associated with them as many problems as they have sought to solve. The people who are most diligent in such efforts to control other people's sexuality, pay little attention to all the signs of the failure of their ways, and so they do not attend to alternative ways of dealing with human sexuality in a more honest, helpful and creative spirit. Many addicts and codependents are sexually dysfunctional, and for many sex is a focus of addictive and/or codependent behavior. For some people sex is a tool to be used to achieve a fix, or to gain control or another person. Their sex lives are frantically dysfunctional, and are associated with many forms of addiction and codependence. Often the intensity of their sexual activity is inversely proportional to its significance and satisfaction. For other persons sexuality is something which is to be mastered in the way an alcoholic tries to master alcohol, to try to be able to control his/her use and abuse of alcohol. Such people may in self righteousness abstain from sexual activity, and get their highs from a compulsive preoccupation with trying to control their own and other people's sexuality. There is much dishonesty in their pretense of control, and they do not learn from their failures because of their dishonesty. Such people in their dishonesty are also addicted to sexuality as a challenge to be mastered, much as the alcoholic is addicted to the bottle as a challenge to be mastered on her/his own terms. People who are dishonest about their own and other people's sexuality need to learn to be honest and to stop trying to control what they do not have the power to control. Not every sexual inspiration, vision, dream, fantasy, and wish needs to be expressed; but there is no pressing need to be dishonest about the reality of any of them, or to be dishonest about the pleasure associated with any of them. Many of them may be honestly revealed to others without having to attempt to fulfill them in action. Not all merit fulfillment, and finite humans do not have the time, energy and ability to fulfill very many of them with personal integrity. Being dishonest about them leads to an inability to choose wisely in which of them to be fulfilled with personal and communal integrity. Being honest about them is, however, quite a challenge to members of a culture who have been taught that they do not have the power to refrain from acting out all sexual possibilities about which they are honest. Rather than trying to control sexuality we will do well and be well in seeking alternative ways of living within which to fulfill our sexuality with personal and communal integrity. Many helpful observations may be made about appropriate expressions of sexuality: Attempting to be in control is dysfunctional. Dishonesty regarding sexuality is unhealthy. Balance is importance in healthy sexual expressions. Honest expressions of needs, desires, feelings, fears and hopes play an essential role in healthy sexuality. Sexuality varies from person to person, and from couple to couple; what is healthy for some, is not necessarily healthy for others. Prescriptions, prohibitions and taboos do not have the power to promote healthy sexuality. Neither do they have the power to prevent unhealthy sexuality, for they are efforts to be in control of what cannot be controlled by creatures. God is Love and Love works to bring people together with personal and communal integrity. There are many forms of love and God often works through each form of love, including erotic love. Any creature that tries to be in control of Love is trying to control what no creature can control! Creatures would do better to pray for personal and communal integrity in all expressions of love, including within their own expressions of erotic love. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================