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 %RISK INTIMACY EYE CONTACT LOSS CONTROL LETTING GO 901027

     For   people   who  are  trapped  in  addictive   and
codependent  attitudes   and  behaviors---really   meeting
real  people openly  and  honestly  is  risky.   In   real
meetings   any  patterns  of deception are  likely  to  be
exposed.   We cannot really  be  in each other's  presence
without  exposing  our misleading behaviors.   Meeting  in
authentic   I-Thou   intimate   personal     relationships
cannot  be  considered  as   an acceptable possibility, if
maintaining   control  of  patterns  of  deception  is  of
ultimate  importance in holding onto and  maintaining  the
artificial   world   of  collusive  addicts    and   their
codependent supporters.

     Real   non-manipulative eye contact can give you away
in  a way which you cannot control.   If you want to avoid
losing control of your appearance of cool control, you had
better  be careful about getting caught in  authentic  eye
contact.

     It    is    tricky    to   develop    a    convincing
appearance   of  authentic  eye  contact  while  being  in
control   of   your appearance.    Authentic   people  are
likely to be  able  to detect that your performance is not
authentic, and so able to  avoid being manipulated by your
performance.  You  may think  that you have deceived them,
but  you can never  be sure  that your deceptive  act  has
really worked.   You  may mislead   only   other   addicts
and   their   codependent supporters.

     By being truly authentic,  real people may appear  to
you no to be catching on to your act,  but in reality they
may  be  giving  you the chance to  be  honestly  yourself
without  the  restrictions  of manipulative  judgments  on
their  part.   They may  not reveal to you that  they  see
through your attempts to  deceive them,  and they may seek
to  set  you free to be honestly  yourself   by  accepting
you,  even when  you  are trying  to  mislead  them.  They
operate  according  to  a fundamentally  different  set of
assumptions   and   beliefs  than do  people  who  try  to
manipulate them.

     It is not a good idea to assume that all other people
are   living     according   to   the   same    set     of
assumptions, attitudes,   beliefs,  and convictions as you
are.   Many people   live   according   to   fundamentally
different    assumptions,     attitudes,     beliefs   and
convictions  than  you  do;     and it  is  impossible  to
understand  and  meaningfully relate  to  them if you  are
unwilling   to   become   informed  about     how    their
assumptions,    attitudes  beliefs  and convictions differ
from yours.

     Ignorance is never a solid foundation for action.  To
lay   a   solid    foundation    for   action     requires
transcending ignorance  about  other people's assumptions,
attitudes,   beliefs   and   convictions.    To  transcend
ignorance  about other  people  requires meeting them   in
non-manipulative ways,    so that they will be willing  to
reveal  themselves openly and honestly.  They are unlikely
to do that,  unless you are willing to do so yourself.

     The   cell  doors of prisons of dishonesty  have  the
locks  on the inside,  and the key is always in the  lock.
To  get out you must want to get out,   and be willing  to
turn  the  key in the cell door,  try to be honest and  to
walk out of your own free will. There is no other way out.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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