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  %MOTIVATION SEEK INTIMACY FIX SELF ESTEEM CONTROL 900603

     The  quality of our interpersonal relationships flows
in  large  part  from  the  attitudes,   motivations   and
assumptions   which  drive,   guide,   and  restrain   our
approaches to and involvements with each other person.

     The effect of overt behaviors depend greatly upon the
motivations  which  drive/lead us to engage in  our  overt
behaviors.   If we are seeking to achieve,  acquire,  get,
buy,   steal,   or  trade fixes for  presumably  defective
selves;   then  the  behaviors  we  engage  in  will  have
different   consequences  than  if  the  apparently   same
behaviors  flow from honest efforts to be present to  each
other in authentic intimacy.

     The  consequences of our behaviors flow not only from
our  own  approaches to each other;  but also from how  we
each perceive each other's approaches.   Reality in inter-
personal  relationships is not independent of  perception;
for in inter-personal relationships reality and perception
are  totally inter-dependent,  neither is complete without
the   other.    There  are  no  objective   realities   in
interpersonal  relationships in the absence of perceptions
of  the  relationships;   yet,   the  perceptions  of  the
relationships  do  not entirely define the nature  of  the
relationships.    There  is much that is  real  in  inter-
personal relationships which is not perceived, understood,
or controlled.

     That  which  is  essentially  mysterious  cannot   be
controlled  because  it cannot be fully understood in  the
ways   which   lead   to  the  possibility   of   control.
Interpersonal   relationships  which  are  authentic   are
essentially  mysterious  and cannot be  controlled.    The
fulfillment which is characteristic of such  relationships
cannot   be  achieved  through  efforts  to  control   the
relationships  or the participants in them.   To  approach
such   relationships,    or   to  try   to   create   such
relationships, in a manipulative way is to destroy them.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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