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%ACCEPT PERFECT CONFORMITY OTHERS EXPECT REJECT JOY 900523

     Infants,  children,   adolescents and adults who  are
affirmed  and accepted only when they conform to  external
expectations learn to do violence to their own  integrity;
for  they are not affirmed and not accepted when they  are
true  to their own self and sense of what brings them  joy
and  pleasure.  In frustration they learn to be  dishonest
and manipulative addicts,  and are devoid of joy and  true
pleasure.

     When people are rejected for imperfect conformity  to
external  expectations,  they learn to be dishonest  about
their  degree  of conformity;  for perfect  conformity  to
external expectations is absolutely impossible.

     Expecting people  to conform  perfectly  to  external
expectations is an instruction to people to be  dishonest,
and   contributes  to  the  addictive   disintegration  of
themselves  and  their community.    Rewarding  presumably
perfect  behavior is a similar instruction to be dishonest
and contribute to addictive disintegration.

     Expectations  of conformity to external  expectations
are  manipulative means by which members of  an  addictive
society  seek  to achieve the control which addicts  think
will bring salvation.   The expectations are dishonest and
violate people's personal integrity.  A preoccupation with
perfection  in such conformity is especially violent,  and
it  is  perverse to regard such perfection as  a  sign  of
"goodness".

     Often  "goodness"  is defined in terms  of  perfectly
avoiding  association with any action which is defined  as
"bad";   either in personal action or in association  with
people involved in personal action.   Alienation from real
people   is   the  only  way  to  perfectly   avoid   such
associations.   Such a definition of "goodness" is an evil
definition  in  that it leads people  into  disintegrative
pseudo-relationships which are essentially dishonest. Such
definitions are favored by addictive personalities who are
preoccupied  with being in control.   Such definitions are
not  respected by people who enjoy personal  and  communal
integrity in honest intimate relationships.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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