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    %UNINVITED UNWELCOME ACCEPT INTIMACY RAPE FORCE 900111

     For intimacy to be meaningful and integrative it must
be invited,  welcome, and accepted at each and every stage
of intimacy.

     The  meaning  of forced intimacy is  the  meaning  of
rape.    Forced  intimacy  is  coercive,   violent,    and
alienative; not integrative.

     Forced  intimacy  is  an  oxymoron,   not  meaningful
integration.   This is true whether or not those who  seek
forced intimacy are a cohesive group of people who approve
of forced intimacy,  or not. A large cohesive group cannot
make forced intimacy integrative;  no matter how hard they
work  at it and no matter how sure of themselves they are.
Self confidence (whether real or fake)  is not the essence
of meaningful intimacy.

     A   cohesive  group  of  people  can  agree   through
collusive  games  of mutual self deception that  truth  is
falsehood, falsehood is truth; ugliness is beauty,  beauty
is ugliness;  good is evil, evil is good; etc.  Ultimately
the cohesiveness of such a group disintegrates because the
cohesiveness  is based upon disintegrative  values  rather
than upon integrative values. Such a cohesive group is not
coherent and integrative, but selfish and alienative.

     The use of coercion,  violence, intimidation, etc. in
any   approach   to   intimate  relationships   leads   to
interactions  which are experienced as  being  meaningless
except  in  the  sense  of  the  meaning  of  rape.   Such
interactions  are reactions;  not meaningful responses  in
the  manner  of  invitation,  welcome  and  acceptance  in
meaningful intimacy.

     Meaningful intimacy leads to a deepening of trust and
willingness   to  take  additional  and  deeper  risks  in
vulnerability.    The   use   of   coercion,     violence,
intimidation,    etc.    in  any  approach   to   intimate
relationships  leads  to  a reduction of trust  and  to  a
reduction in willingness to take risks in vulnerability.

     Meaningful  intimacy  leads  to  increased  security;
i.e.,   to  an increased freedom to be vulnerable in  each
other's presence. The exact opposite is true of the use of
coercion,  violence, intimidation; which lead to increased
defensiveness,       rejection,      alienation,       and
misunderstanding.

     Meaningful intimacy can be enjoyed only though mutual
invitation,  welcome, and acceptance;  not through the use
of un-welcomed force.

     The  use  of  force  will often  entail  the  use  of
dishonesty  in  coercive  and manipulative  moves  towards
pseudo-intimacy.    Honesty  is  central   to   meaningful
intimacy. Dishonesty is central to behaviors which seek to
force intimacy which is uninvited,  unwelcome,  and/or not
accepted;  for in the latter behaviors there is usually an
attempt  to  make the behavior appear to  have  integrity;
perpetuators are participants in collusive games of mutual
self deception,  and they seek to involve their victims in
those same games.

     Intimacy  is  difficult to enjoy with integrity  when
the   participants   who  are  seeking  intimacy  are   of
significantly different levels of power, authority, and/or
social  standing.  Such differences make it  difficult  to
transcend  the  real  or  apparent  use  of  force  within
intimate relationships;  as seen by participants and/or by
members  of the social context within which  the  intimate
relationships   develop.    Difficulty  does   not   imply
impossibility;   but the difficulties can make  meaningful
intimacy  rare in the face of great differences in  power,
authority and/or social standing.

     These considerations regarding intimacy apply to many
forms    of   intimacy:    physical/affective,     sexual,
intellectual,  economic, political, religious,  spiritual,
etc.   The exact manner in which the considerations  apply
may  differ  according to the kind of intimacy;  yet  they
merit attention in instances of each kind of intimacy  and
in instances of attempts to force each kind of intimacy.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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