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  %AVOID HURT PAIN SUFFER DEFENSIVE VULNERABLE OPEN 900108

     When  we are insecure and seek to avoid hurt and pain
by approaching each other in a defensive mood,  spirit and
attitude---we  keep each other at a distance  (physically,
emotionally,  affectively, spiritually, truthfully,  etc.)
we  refuse  to  offer our friendship  because  it  entails
offering  our vulnerability.  Then we cannot come to  know
each  other  and  are lonely in our separation  from  each
other.  In our separation and ignorance we cannot find any
reason  to trust each other;  and often become  even  more
defensive  in our efforts to avoid the hurt and pain which
comes with living separated lives.

     Seeking to understand each other through objectivity,
science,  and technical considerations which operate at  a
distance (physical, emotional, affective, spiritual, I-It,
etc.) does not promote friendship because such efforts are
fundamentally analytic and manipulative;  not  integrative
and  cooperative.  Through such efforts we do not come  to
know  each  other,  and are lonely in our separation  from
each  other.   In such separation and ignorance we  cannot
find  any objective reason to trust each other;  and often
become  even more alienated in our efforts to  reduce  the
hurt and pain which pervades our separated lives.

     Sometimes  in  desperation we may risk  offering  our
vulnerability   in  friendship:   if  others  respond   by
approaching us in a defensive mood, spirit and attitude---
we  are  keep at a distance from each  other  (physically,
emotionally, affectively, spiritually, truthfully,  etc.).
This  is  even  the more so if their response is  to  take
advantage  of  our  offered vulnerability:   we  are  then
unlikely to make the mistake of offering our vulnerability
again,   and so remain lonely in our separation from  each
other.  In our separation and ignorance we cannot find any
reason  to  trust each other;  and each become  even  more
defensive  in our efforts to avoid the hurt and pain which
comes with living separated lives.

     It  is  a  great tragedy when we  take  advantage  of
vulnerability when it is offered to us.  We need to  learn
how  to  avoid situations in which vulnerability is  taken
advantage of; by learning how to create social contexts in
which it is safe to be vulnerable.  We need to agree  that
taking  advantage  of vulnerability leads to personal  and
communal disintegration, and is not worthy of respect.  We
need to agree that the integrative response to an offer of
vulnerability is to be friendly.

Approaching  each  other in a defensive mood,  spirit  and
attitude leads us to be prone to attack each other when we
see  another in a weak posture.  Insecure people  who  are
systematically  defensive put distance between  themselves
and  those whom they do not trust;  and so maintain  their
ignorance  of  and  fear of each other.  The  greater  the
distance which is maintained,  the more powerful and swift
are  the  weapons  which they use  to  defend  themselves.
Technocratic defensive responses to insecurity,   heighten
insecurity.  Clubs, bows, arrows, guns, airplanes,  bombs,
atomic  bombs,   hydrogen bombs,  ICBM  missiles,   cruise
missiles, etc. are tools of separation; not means by which
to overcome insecurity.  To call the people who prepare to
use such tools "security forces",  in no way helps them or
us to overcome our insecurity.

     Others cannot overcome our insecurity for us.

     We  cannot have others achieve security for us.    We
deceive   ourselves  when  we  expect  others  to  achieve
security  for us.  No amount of  effort,   sophistication,
technology,  money, resources,  or confidence will make it
possible for others to achieve security for us.

     Security is what we give each other in friendship.

     Security is a gift, not an achievement.

     We  are  not  secure unless we  accept  the  gift  of
security.   If  we refuse the gift of security when it  is
offered; we remain insecure.

     If  we  are defensive,  we are likely to  refuse  the
gift of security; and try to take advantage of others when
they offer us their vulnerability in offering us the  gift
of  security.  Our defensiveness often leads us to  remain
insecure as we refuse to accept the gift of security  when
it is offered to us.

     Security  is a gift and it cannot be achieved.    The
achievement  of security is not an alternative way to  get
security.   The only way to enjoy security is to accept it
as a gift when it is offered.

     To  enjoy  security we must not only  be  willing  to
accept it as a gift; we must also offer it as a gift.

     We  cannot  be secure in the presence of our  enemies
until they have accepted our gift of security. They cannot
be  secure  in our presence until we have  accepted  their
gift  of security.  The enjoyment of security is a  mutual
process  which  becomes  possible  as  we  understand  the
process  of "GETTING TO YES"  and "GETTING TOGETHER".  See
books by Roger Fisher for details.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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