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   %RESOLVE CONFLICT COOPERATE GETTING YES TOGETHER 891202

     In  most  conflicts those who are in conflict  assume
that it is impossible for them to work together to resolve
the  conflict  in a way which all parties can say  yes  to
with  enthusiasm.  Those in conflict usually  assume  that
they  must  be working on opposite sides of the  conflict,
that  there  can  be  no other  alternative  to  being  on
opposing sides of the conflict.

     The  beginning  step  of conflict resolution  is  for
those parties who are participating in the conflict to say
yes to the idea that it might be possible for them to work
together in cooperative ways to find a resolution to which
they can all enthusiastically say yes.  The beginning step
is  a  paradigm  shift;  away  from  the  assumption  that
perpetual conflict is inevitable,  to the assumption  that
conflicts can be resolved through cooperative efforts.

     The  beginning  steps to conflict  resolution  entail
each  party  seeking to be  unconditionally  constructive;
seeking  always to act in constructive ways regardless  of
how destructive may be the behavior of others involved  in
the conflict.  Being unconditionally constructive helps to
focus critical attention upon those people whose  behavior
perpetuates  the conflict.  Failing to be  unconditionally
constructive  tends  to confuse issues by making  it  more
difficult  to  focus critical attention  upon  the  people
whose   behaviors  play  the  key  roles  in  perpetuating
the conflict. Addicts tend to confuse issues.

     It is not easy to be unconditionally constructive. We
are  prone  to design our actions so as to make it  appear
that  the  other party is primarily  responsible  for  the
continuation of our conflict.  If the purpose of a pattern
of  behavior  is  to be sure that the  other  parties  are
loaded with the responsibility for continued conflict,  it
is  unlikely  that  the behavior will  be  unconditionally
constructive;   the behavior is likely to slip into  being
conditionally constructive;  i.e., constructed so that the
other party ends up with the burden of responsibility  for
the continued conflict.

     Reflexive  relationships  cannot  be  controlled   to
achieve a desired end result.

     Reflexive  relationships can be entered into  with  a
clear    desire    to   be   unconditionally    authentic,
constructive,  and integrative.  Such entry is the key  we
need to use.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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