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        %BEING CONTROL PERSON PROCESS ADDICT DEPEND 890627

     Jack  believes  he is or can be in  control  of  some
person(s)  and process(es).  It is worth while to consider
what would be involved in being in control.

     To be in control would mean causing some thing/person
to  behave  in some way which would not be the normal  way
for that person/thing to behave.  If the thing/person were
to behave normally there would be no element of control in
the   relationship   between  the   controller   and   the
controlled.

     To be in control would mean having some preconception
of  how the controller wanted the thing/person to  behave,
and to interact with the person/thing in such a way as  to
get   it  to  behave  according  to   the   preconception.
Successful  control would entail achieving conformity with
the preconception.

     Achieving  such  conformity  would  thus  entail  the
controller  behaving  in some systematic way  which  would
respond  to  non-conformal  behavior on the  part  of  the
controlled person/thing,  so as to coerce it back into the
preconceived  pattern of behavior.   Any tendency  on  the
part  of  the  target  of  control  to  depart  from   the
preconceived   pattern  of  behavior,   would  elicit   an
appropriate  counter-behavior pattern from the  controller
to  achieve the preconceived result.   Thus,  it is  clear
that the controller would have to be totally dedicated  to
modifying  the  controllee's behavior to be responsive  to
non-conformal  behavior on the part of the target  of  the
effort to control.

     The target and the controller will thus evolve into a
mirror  image relationship where it will be impossible  to
tell  the difference between roles.   Each will attempt to
manipulate the other,  and each would be the victim of the
other's manipulative efforts.   Each will be controlled by
a preoccupation with the other,  while deceiving self into
thinking that self is in control of the other.   The whole
process   would  be  a  collusive  game  of  mutual   self
deception!

     In many such games of mutual self deception there may
appear to be people who are in positions of dominance, and
others  who appear to be in positions of submission;   but
such appearances can be deceiving.  Those who appear to be
in  positions  of dominance are often the ones  who  least
understand  what is happening;  those who appear to be  in
positions  of  submission  may in humility have  a  pretty
clear  picture of what is happening.   The real victims of
the  process  are  those who do not know  what  is  really
happening  and  thus  have no hope of  escaping  from  the
prison of manipulative relationships.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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