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 %TEACH CHILD SELF CONTROL JOY ESTEEM ADDICT DEPEND 890205

     The child who is rewarded only upon demonstrations of
self control will grow up with a compulsive  preoccupation
with  being in control.  Such a child will not  learn  the
joys of fulfilling inner directed creative urges.  Such  a
child  will learn that being one with the community  comes
only  from  self  control in  conformity  with  externally
imposed disciplines; i.e., all values and ideals originate
outside self.

     In  a collusive society the new parents fear insights
and perceptions which might threaten the communal games of
mutual   self  deception.   Such  parents  can  not   feel
comfortable  with  children who feel free to find  joy  in
following  inner directed integrative urges;  most parents
will  behave  in  ways which  will  encourage  only  outer
directed  conformal behavior.  Their children  will  learn
that    proper   behavior   is   directed   by   conformal
considerations  focused  upon  how other  people  feel  in
response  to one's own behavior.  Such collusive societies
thus  perpetuate  games of addictive  control  and  mutual
codependence.

     Each  member  of a collusive society  is  preoccupied
with what other people perceive, feel, think, and fear.

     Members of collusive societies are taught as children
to be preoccupied with what other people perceive,   feel,
think,   and fear.  They are not encouraged as children to
feel  comfortable  with  their  own  unique   perceptions,
feelings,  thoughts and fears.  Such people are encouraged
as  children only when they respond to others'  fears  and
conform to help others deal with their fears. Children are
taught   to  become  members  of  a  fear-full   collusive
community.

     Addicts and codependents are taught as children to be
preoccupied with what other people perceive,  feel,  think
and  fear.  As children they were taught as much  by  what
their parents did not do, as by what their parents did do.
Lack  teaches  by  contrast  to  that  which  is  present.
Behavior  which is never encouraged comes to  be  behavior
which people do not have the courage to engage in. Addicts
and codependents do not have the courage or self esteem to
engage in behavior without particular reference to others.

     To some extent the collusive community can regain its
health and overcome its codependent and addictive patterns
of  behavior by learning how to encourage the children  to
be themselves with personal integrity.  Such encouragement
entails  parents learning to accept children's threats  to
the   communal  games  of  mutual  self  deception.   Such
encouragement cannot be authentically given if parents are
not being liberated from their dishonesty.  Recovery is  a
coherent  integrative  process  in which all  members  and
levels  of  a  community  participate.   In  recovery   no
individual  or segment is in control.  Control is not  the
key to recovery.

     Control  is  the  preoccupation of  people  who  were
taught  as children that the most important thing in  life
is  to  be  in  control so that  one  can  please  others.
Compulsive  self  control  is rooted  in  parenting  which
teaches  children  that  conformity  is  essential;   that
preoccupation with other's perceptions, feelings, thoughts
and  fears  is  the  key  to  being  accepted,   affirmed,
encouraged,   and loved.  Such childhood lessons  lay  the
foundations for adult addictive and codependent behavior.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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