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  %LET GO DESIRE CONTROL INTIMACY ADDICT DEPEND SCI 881215

The  desire   for  intimacy combined with the desire
to  be  in control   of  personal  relationships  together
generates  conflicts  which     undermine   personal   and
communal  integrity.    Intimate  relationships  are   not
authentic   and  meaningful  when   participants    desire
to   understand,  predict  and control them as objects  in
objective ways.

The   desire  for   intimacy  is   fulfilled only by
the letting go of the desire to be in   influence. Letting
go  of   the   desire   to  be in influence is   not   the
same   as  desiring    to   have  no control  and  to   be
immersed   in chaos;      nor  is  it  the  same  as   the
desire    to   be  controlled.    As    regards    control
differences    of    kind   are     often   difficult   to
distinguish,     especially  if   one  desires  to  be  in
control.

People cannot  be in control of their perceptions of
differences;   thus people cannot  be in control  of  each
other.     People cannot  be in control of their emotional
responses to  perceptions;    thus people can  not  be  in
control  of each other.    People cannot  be in control of
each other's response to attempts to be in control;   thus
people cannot  be in control of each other.

Attempts  to  be  in  control  of  intimate personal
relationships  are  parts  of collusive  games  of  mutual
self  deception.       Such  attempts  are  dishonest  and
misleading to the  participants.       Authentic  intimate
communications  which  are meaningful and  satisfying  are
undermined  by  the  desire to be  in control, and  by the
expectation of  people being in control.      Respect  for
the   notion   of  trying  to  control  people  leads   to
disintegration.

To enjoy both personal and communal integrity people
need   to let go of the desire and expectation of being in
control.     Yet,    people who respect  personal  control
clutch   for  more  power to control when efforts to be in
control undermine integrity  and  disintegration sets  in.
In   clutching  for  more  power  to be  in  control  they
accelerate the process of disintegration.    Calls for law
and   order do not usually lead to personal  and  communal
integrity; rather they  often  lead  to the disintegration
of the   intimate relationships  which are the  foundation
of  personal and communal integrity.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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