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     %PATERNALISTIC RESPONSIBILITY LIMITS ADDICTION 880928

     It  is  not  wise  for one  person  to  take  on  the
responsibility  for always protecting another person  from
the  consequences  of  the other  person's  decisions  and
actions.    Taking on such a responsibility leads  to  the
development of addictive and codependent relationships.

     It  is  not  wise  for  one person  to  take  on  the
responsibility   for  manipulating  the  consequences   of
another  person's  decisions and actions so as to  control
the   other   person's  behavior.    Taking  on   such   a
responsibility  leads to the development of addictive  and
codependent relationships.

     The  situation  is not improved by the  role  of  the
paternalistic  person  being replaced by  a  paternalistic
group,  institution,  organization, club,  family,  church
etc.

     For  healthy  personal relationships to exist  it  is
essential  for participants to bear in large  measure  the
consequences  of  their own decisions and actions  without
others manipulating the nature of those consequences.   In
practice  it  is not always simple to maintain  the  clean
distinction  between  natural consequences  and  contrived
consequences.

     The  distinction  can be best maintained if there  is
always clarity as to how much sacrifice is being made (and
by whom) for the destructive consequences of the decisions
and actions of specific people.    If  the people  who are
making the decisions and  engaging  in destructive actions
are  not bearing a  significant share of  the  destructive
consequences,  they will not be likely to learn from their
mistakes;  and may learn to continue the misguided pattern
of making decisions, and acting upon them.

     People who persistently are willing to bear the costs
of  other  people's misguided decisions and actions are in
practice  torturing themselves.   They are not helping the
people  whom  they claim to be helping.   They  are  using
their  addicts as victims of their codependent patterns of
masochistic  service.    Such  patterns  of   caring   are
manipulative  and  coercive,  and receive  in  return  not
gratitude,  but manipulative and coercive reactions  which
take advantage of the misguided selfish generosity  of the
"helper".   Each participant attempts to control the other
participants in tragic efforts to   improve their own self
esteem   through  manipulative  achievements.   They   are
dishonest.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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